Where do I go from here?

A few days ago, I got answers, and not good ones. I'm just trying to deal with it right now, but I have so many questions still. I had a few procedures done the middle of December, and my fear became a reality. I was diagnosed with Celiacs Disease. Not only was I diagnosed with something so life-altering, but I also was told that I have gastritis, polyps with benign tissue, and inflammation in my esophagus. In other words, my body is in distress.

I know Celiacs Disease isn't related, but I wonder about the other stuff. Did I do it to myself? With years of making myself so sick? I don't meet with my doctor for another week for a follow-up, so I have some time before I really get to discuss everything in depth with him, but my head is spinning.

Even though having CD is horribly inconvenient, and even more challenging to do being a vegetarian, I know it will probably make me a healthier person eating a gluten-free diet. I'm sort of thinking it as a new obsession- to make sure everything is gluten free by checking labels, constantly looking up reference information online about it, and making sure I stock my cabinets with gluten free options for me. I feel like if I begin to obsess about that rather than weight loss, I'll find a way to let go of my other unhealthy obsessions and focus my energy on making positive changes. If I do that, I think the other stuff will fall into place.

I had made a neurologist appointment for mid January, but I've been headache-less for 3 weeks! I'm really happy about that, and I think it's because I have mostly been gluten free for the past 2 weeks. It makes me feel like I really am getting better, and that changing my diet will be so beneficial to my health. Anything I read online or hear from a health professional will tell me the same, but it's different when you can actually see the benefits working. So since I'm getting my CD under control, I don't think it's necessary to go to the neurologist right now.

Therapy... where to begin. The place I called still hasn't called me back. So I guess I really need to contact them. I've been through a lot and I really need to find a healthy place to work through everything with someone who can help. Even some of the issues John and I have had we both have decided we are ready to talk about together in therapy, which I happy about. I'm glad he's willing to go and work on those things with me so we can have a healthier relationship. Not that it's incredibly unhealthy, but I know we're both not terribly happy, and it will be so much better for us to get to that happy place.

Somewhere between the holidays and all the traveling, I got sick again. Logan has had an awful cough and I think I started feeling crappy after he did. I was hoping I could dodge this one, but I guess it will take some more time before my overall health improves and I can build up my immune system again.

Christmas this year was a little.... off. Spending it in Austin wasn't my preference, but I went along with it because John had spent the last several years with my family for Christmas, so it was time. It was nice seeing everyone, but it didn't end well, and we packed our bags and changed our flights to leave a couple days early. I will say that the trip did help John and I get through a tough time, and maybe even brought us a little closer to each other. Some things just make you realize what's important and talking about some of the things that went wrong made us value the things we have. We both just wanted more than anything to be home, to be in a comfortable place, and to just go back to our lives. We're talking about having John's family visit for Thanksgiving next year though, which will be a lot easier on everyone I think. We'll see.

It is nice being home. Even after getting back from Austin, we stayed at my parents' house for another day and a half, but I was ready to come back and just erase away all the bad things I experience this month, and even this year. With the new year upon us, I'm ready to say goodbye and welcome in the future. I'm seeing a healthier, happier me, and I like it. I just want to know where to go to make sure I don't fall down again.

I need a silent night

I need a silent night, a holy night

To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise

I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here

To end this crazy day with a silent night

I heard this song the other day, the Amy Grant song, and it brought the tears rolling down. I can't explain how much I long for exactly this. I'm trying to draw some strength from faith, faith that I can find some withstanding inner peace. It's a struggle...

I feel like I have had this little person in my head screaming out for quite a long time. November has come and gone, so why hasn't it stopped? I know the answer. It's because it's not really the month of November that is the problem. Changing months won't magically stop the noise in my head. I have to find my own ways to bring myself peace.

I did call a bunch of therapists since my last post. I found it pretty interesting that none of the female providers in a 10 mile radius that accept my insurance are taking new patients. Excuse me, but... what??? Is all of Fairfax taking crazy pills? That doesn't give me much hope. However, I did call a practice in Manassas that might be able to take me. A bit of a drive, but worth it to get the help I need if I find someone I like.

I'm really sick of seeing doctors. I'm not really looking forward to adding another to the list, but I have to take care of myself. I saw my gastroenterologist on Monday, so there's another check in the box. I actually liked him a lot- he was really interested in my condition and wants to do a couple of procedures next week. Unfortunately, I will have to fast for almost 48 hours before going into the hospital for the procedures. It's not going to be pleasant, but hopefully they can figure out what the problem is with my tummy issues. The fasting part makes me nervous. I know I'm going to like seeing the number on the scale after that. That worries me a little. I shouldn't be happy seeing low numbers after having to starve for almost 2 days, but I guess that's the "sick" side of my eating disorder mind talking. In the mind of someone with disordered eating behaviors, it doesn't matter how those numbers come up. It just matters that they do.

I can find some joy in little things. John and I ran our first 15K last weekend. It was hard, but we made it at least. If you asked me a year ago if I thought I would ever be able to do that, you would have heard me laugh. I never thought I would be a "runner", but here I am, running these long races and feeling good about my fitness strides.

It's also really fun to see Logan developing so rapidly. He knows all of his colors, a few letters (S, M, and Y), and tons of animals. When we ask him where his body parts are, he points to them. When we ask him to do something, he does it. It happened so fast- seems like overnight. But he can actually understand us. Some of his responses to things are really silly, and seeing his silly face is sometimes the only thing in the world that I want to look at.

I've been trying to make more strides in my professional life too. John has been very open in telling me that I need to do more to develop myself in my career. Since I only work 15 hours a week and am getting older, I'm not as fresh as others in the field who work full weeks and do extra training on top of that. His main point is that to be competitive, I need to start researching new technologies and making sure I allow myself professional development time. I've been resistant to it, because I just don't see an urgency and I don't love what I do. I'm not entertained, I'm not challenged, so I'm taking John's advice and trying to find something I do like and challenge myself with it. I decided I needed a creative outlet, and that writing children's books would be the perfect thing for me. I ordered a book on writing them and have really enjoyed what I've read so far. It's so interesting, and it's actually very closely connected with user experience. Eventually, it would be really cool to write interactive e-books for kids. I could really use my background for that, too. I mean, children's e-books have to be user-friendly too, right? I'm pretty excited about this new venture, but I'm still having trouble finding the time to devote to it. In my down time, I usually like to just watch a couple of the shows that are on that I watch regularly or exercise, so I need to find a good balance between vegging out and being productive.

Finding a good balance, eh? Story of my life. Balancing the noise with the peace. Balancing work life with home life. Balancing my eating disordered brain with wanting to be healthy. It's all just a balancing act.

Speaking of balance, I went to bikram yoga last night for the first time in over a month. Since I've been so sick, I haven't been able to go. I also put it off because it's extremely hard. Last night, it felt really great though. I feel so rejuvenized, and like maybe I did get a bit of a silent night. I just really need the feeling to last and to keep carrying me through those noisy times.

Hopefully, I can get it to do just that.

More tugs to the dark side

I have an eating disorder. Still. After 15 years, I've realized how much it still haunts me everyday.

I'll start by saying this- I still haven't had another episode from before. I find some satisfaction in that. However, I feel myself being pulled incessantly to the dark side. I was watching a show called Anderson (yes, the one that replaced Oprah) today and they were talking about eating disorders. Now it's been years since I've really read anything or watched any eating disorder specials, but watching it now makes me realize how much of a part of my life my eating disorder still is. And it makes me so angry. I feel like I've moved on, but when I really think about it, it's been there all along. The effort I've put into losing all the weight that I have-weighing myself multiple times a day, exercising like a mad woman, obsessing about the scale, constantly thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth and how many pounds it'll make me gain... it's not normal behavior, and it makes me feel like a child again.

Here's a backstory about the past week that will give some perspective:

Thanksgiving was great to spend with my family- I was very rigid counting the calories of my meal, as I intended to be, and played it safe all weekend, even with eating out. When I got weighed Saturday, I gained 1.8 lbs. I panicked. How could I have gained 1.8 lbs when I was still on track??? Why I was I being punished so badly for indulging slightly with a bite of apple crisp and ice cream? And then more headaches hit me. Later that night (Saturday), I developed a fever and awful cold symptoms. I was sick as a dog and in so much pain from the headaches that John and I considered going in to the ER since my meds weren't working. I held out until Monday, and went to my family doctor. She prescribed me with an antibiotic to treat Sinusitus and referred me to a neurologist to get checked. I also talked to her about the tummy issues I've had for awhile- she listened to all my symptoms and agreed to draw blood and test for Celiacs Disease (Sinusitus, which I have been suffering from for months, is linked to Celiacs and I've had a lot of symptoms of the gluten allergy.) She also referred me to a gastroenterologist to get checked for it. Today I got a call from my doctor's office telling me my bloodwork was normal and that it doesn't indicate I have the disease, so the only thing we can do is continue on with the gastroenterologist. Anyway, through all of this headache/fever/sinus/gastro issues, I've been extremely naseous and have barely been eating. I've already lost 4 lbs and am somewhat celebrating this. If my nausea disappears for awhile and then comes back, I secretly enjoy it because I know I won't want to eat. I know this isn't normal, but I need to be honest about what's going through my head.

Where do I go from here? I'm sure I need therapy, but the fact that we're moving in a few months, and then spending 2 months with my parents, and then going to Georgia isn't the best model for therapy if you're having to change therapists every couple months. It's a bad time for me to realize I'm batshit crazy. I probably should still just see someone now even though we are moving. I'm optimistic that I could make big strides by the time we move if I found someone good. I guess I have another call to make. I don't want to be tugged anymore.

The slow-down

"For fast-acting relief, try slowing down." - Lily Tomlin

I think I know what happened to me. Somewhere along the line, I truly forget to breathe and just slow down myself and everything around me. And that's how I lost control.

I got stressed about losing weight, I got stressed about thinking about having another baby, I got stressed about work, I got stressed about Logan growing too fast. I just couldn't take it anymore. And so I fell. I feel like I fell 30 stories...

I will say that I have not had another binge and purge episode. Positive news. But I've just gone through a few days of some of the worst pain I've ever felt, comparable to childbirth.

Saturday through Monday I endured the worst pain in my head in my whole life, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I did see my doctor and got a prescription that helped, so I am feeling a whole lot better, but I can only wonder if all the recent stressors brought it on.

I took some time off this weekend, off from life, mainly to deal with the pain. John was amazing taking care of the baby and other things around here, so I am very thankful for that. I needed that slow-down like you wouldn't believe. But is medicine the only other way I can deal with this? I'm hoping not. I'm hoping I can learn that taking the time to slow down is important, and that everyone needs that. I guess before I just thought that there is no way I could take that time for myself with everything I have going on. I need to remember that when I don't, things come crashing down pretty hard to the point of incapacitation.

Whatever I do, I can't let it happen again and have to keep my eyes set on my #1 goal- my health. That includes physical and mental. I am within 6 lbs of my Weight Watchers goal, and within 11 lbs of my overall goal. I'm so close, and in the end, I will have lost 87 lbs. It's such an incredible achievement. We're running a 15K (9.3 miles) in a few weeks, and I am really excited to add that to my list of fitness accomplishments. Just one more- the 1/2 marathon- in March and I'll know I did well :)

This hasn't been easy, but nothing in life worth fighting for ever is. I'm fighting to finish this race, but damn, it will feel so amazing in the end.

And then it happened

I thought I had control of this... but I don't. Last night I did something that I haven't done in over 6 years. I binged... and then purged. I'm devastated. And that's really all I can say. Devastated that my willpower flew away from me. Devastated that I wanted to hurt myself and make myself suffer the consequence. Devastated that I'm back there to that place I swore off so many years ago.

Or am I? Does 1 time really set the cycle back in motion? I don't know, and I'm not ready to find out. I'm scared for myself, for my family. How can I make them suffer this again? How can I make myself suffer this again? These questions are filling my head and I don't have the answers to them. I just... am exhausted. Exhausted from fighting this so hard, for so long. Why won't it end?

Years ago, when I pictured my life, I pictured everything that I have. I have everything I've ever wanted and I'm not willing to lose any of it. So why can't I let go of whatever this monster is that's lingering?

I just can't do this again.

Wake me up when November ends

November. Here's my opinion on it- I'd love to just go to sleep and not wake up until December. November seems to be a difficult month for me every year. Last year, I remember how bad things were between John and I, and my heart aches in pain for that time. I wish we could just erase that so I never have to think about it again. This year, I'm falling back into old thoughts and habits. What is it about November that makes everything so gloomy, so menacing? You'd think it'd be a happy time of year- when most people start decorating for Christmas, traveling to see relatives and celebrating Thanksgiving.

I am trying to find joy in the little things. Little baby Beth was born 1 week ago on 10/31 and of course that is a blessing. I can't wait to hold her and see Nellie and my family around Thanksgiving. It'll be really neat to see Logan with the baby too- he's so sweet and loving and will definitely make a great big brother someday. He's getting more sweet everyday. So smart too! He knows what his colors are for the most part, but he can only really say blue ("boo.") He's starting to say a lot more words and I find so much peace in his cute little voice.

This past weekend, I went to a friend's wedding, which of course was beautiful. She had such a nice day and I was really thrilled to have been able to see all the girls (my roommate Brandi, and my suitemate Gina.) Brandi got engaged recently, so she's next since Gina, Amanda, and I are the old married ladies. She's talking about a summer 2013 wedding in London, so I would be thrilled to be able to go to Europe. I really don't want to miss it, and John and I started talking about going. However, we had intended originally on having a mid-2013 2nd child, so I'm not sure how our plans are going to change. We obviously wouldn't be able to go to Europe if I was extremely pregnant or just recently had a little one, so we started talking about when we might plan for #2. And then it came up. Fall of 2012. But that means I'd have to get pregnant in the next few months.... and I'm pretty sure we all know there's no way I'm ready for that. In theory, it sounds great, because then Logan and baby #2 would be about 2 1/2 years apart (3 years apart in school), but I have not gotten myself to where I need to be yet and I know I still won't be ready in 3 months. So that leaves us with waiting another year to start trying again for a later 2013 baby. It seems so far away! But maybe it's what I need. I do want some time to maintain my health and fitness before having to sacrifice my body all over again. And it'd be great to keep pounding away at our debt too so that we'd be in really good shape before the next one is born. Is it selfish of me for wanting to wait? or is it best that we wait? I don't know. I just know that it's already making me feel pressured.

Ugh, why do I get so wrapped up in the details and not just enjoy these things as they come? I'm ready to just pull a blanket over my head right now and sleep the rest of the month away.

Return to 6th grade

Yesterday, I made a decision to not eat- unless it was Halloween candy. I'm not really sure what part of me thought this was a good idea, but I didn't eat breakfast, had a little bit of soup for lunch, and no dinner. Just 800 calories of chocolate, after I counted up my calories for the day. Kind of sick.

This kind of reminds me when I was in 6th grade and thought I would starve myself, which I was successful at for most of the day, but then I would come home from school and eat about 20 Christmas cookies. I can't explain it. I thought to be skinny that I had to not eat anything, but I don't know why I would come home, ravenous, and turn to cookies. Surely not something that someone with anorexia would do (which is what I was striving to be), but that's precisely my point. I never was anorexic, but I was a binge eater, and once it got bad enough, I thought I needed to come up with clever ways to "get rid of it."

I mentioned in my last post how I've been having disordered eating thoughts, and I even shared this with John last night. I told him I've had thoughts about starving myself and thoroughly shared with him my lack of meals yesterday + candy binge, and his only response was to just not have those thoughts. It's not really that easy for someone who struggled with this hard for 6 years. I haven't really been in danger with disordered eating since I was in my teens, and I thought I suppressed the negative self-talk, but I feel it coming back and I hate it. Why the regression? I don't feel depressed, and I've been anxiety-free for quite a while. Sure, there are small bumps here and there, but mostly I feel ok. I'm just so damn neurotic and obsessive about everything, so I guess with my weight loss journey I've started to pick up those obsessive behaviors. Obsessing about getting thin and fit. I'm happy about having lost as much as I have and am glad I'm progressing again, but I want so badly to be there faster. I'm not sure why I think these behaviors are even a good way to get there.

Long story short, even though I binged yesterday, I didn't "get rid of it." No purge, no excessive exercise, no lax pills. So in my mind, it's still a small victory since the thoughts have been somewhat strong. I just need to keep my head above water. I just feel like it shouldn't be this intense of a fight.

Stuck in a rut

Ok, so it's been 7 weeks since I last updated. I know, too long. I can honestly say that I forgot about blogging. Things have been busy, but good busy for the most part. Shortly after my last post we went on vacation to Myrtle Beach, which was a great time to spend with John and Logan. After that, I started getting more busy with work, so I just haven't gotten around to dealing with all my emotions.

I've been stuck for quite a while. In my last post, I mentioned how I've been plateaued with my weight loss for a while. Well, add another 7 weeks to that, and you have someone who is even more hopeless. I know other people can tell that I've worked hard, but I'm still not seeing much change on the scale. I quit Weight Watchers a few weeks ago, but I'm still going to meetings since my membership doesn't end until November. Even though I'm still counting calories and nutrition and working out hard, I'm still not losing. I had a conversation with my meeting leader about it, and she suggested I meet with my doctor. It's been 3 months since I've lost any weight, and since I'm doing everything right, it's best to just get checked out. Other than that, she said my body has been through a LOT the past couple years, so it's going to take time to adjust. She is right- I have put it through a roller coaster, and I guess I should be patient with it even though I want the change to happen quickly. So since then, I've decided I don't want to quit, so I'm trying to get my membership back. I have such a good support system there, and I just really want to make it to goal and hit lifetime so that I always have somewhere to go if I fall off track again.

I want to be a happy person, but lately I just feel sort of lifeless and flat. I am not taking any meds right now, and I'm starting to wonder if I will relapse. I've had some of those scary thoughts every once in a while, but I feel like I have the tools to suppress them. Lately, I've thought a lot about my fight with bulimia. I've even had thoughts return about going down that road again, but I've been able to ward them off. Last week when I was really sick, I had no appetite except for soup, and I ended up losing 1.8 lbs on the scale Saturday. Is that what it takes for me to lose weight at this point? Starvation? These are the thoughts that have surfaced. Someone with an eating disorder fights it every single day of their lives. Even though I am recovered, it still haunts me, and I'm not sure it will ever stop. I just need to keep myself in check. I don't want to go back to the psychiatrist, but I think I see it in my future. I want to at least start with my family doctor to have a physical and probably get my blood drawn to make sure there's nothing else going on. I had some bad tummy troubles within the last few months, so I'm hoping there's no gastrointestinal issues that's keep the weight on.

Work is giving me a lot more hours, which is good, but it's exhausting. I don't know how full-time working moms do it. I just want to roll over and take a nap every afternoon. I thought before that my meds were making me sleepy, but now that I'm off them, I have no idea what it is. I just feel defeated by the smallest everyday activities. My goal was to get myself healthy so that Logan had the best mom he could have, one with energy and playfulness. I'm slacking, and I don't want him to get the short stick on that respect.

To be continued...

It's nice not being fat, but I want to be thin

And the plateau continues. I'm not sure what else I can do to get past this. I'm feeling hopeless. However, I am generally doing very well overall. How can one feel helpless but be doing well, you ask? I'm not really sure. All I know is that I'm somewhat comfortable. I'm in a place where I'm content with my fitness and how my life is. Do I still have changes to make? Yes, of course. Do I wish things would speed up?... no doubt about it.

Time is my enemy. I just want what I have been working so hard for to come faster. That's the part of me that is always rushing through things screaming out. What makes me hopeless is the fact that I set a reasonable goal, and I won't hit it despite doing everything I can. I'm not where I wanted to be, and it's disappointing. I'm thankful that I'm not where I was, but seeing my progress stall to nothing is painful.

I made a deal with myself that I would cut the crap and get into the best shape of my life. Yes, it's nice not being 200+ lbs, but I want to be THIN. I want to be the girl at zumba who can pull up her shirt when she gets sweaty and feel good about how my body looks. I want to be at the beach and not be embarrassed, but actually feel fit and catch people checking me out :P I just want THIN so bad and I'm doing everything to get there. I've become bored with what I eat and workouts, and I know that's not going to help me out any. I'm trying to get some other mom friends involved to work out with me, and even try new things (possibly P90X, belly dancing, and pole dancing!) just to spice things up.

Just because something bends doesn't mean it's going to break. But man... AM I bending...

Defying gravity

Today we went to see Wicked, and I was blown away. It's such a great show and I was completely impressed and moved by everything... the singing, the acting, the dancing. I've seen several broadway shows before and I don't think I've ever been as moved. The end of Act I even brought me to tears- Dee Roscioli (who plays Elphaba) is incredibly talented and the lyrics of "Defying Gravity" get me every time. It really hits home for me because I've finally come to the point in my life where I feel the same. It's about taking that leap of faith, trusting your instincts, and not letting anything in the world get you down. It has such a powerful message. I feel like making "Defying Gravity" my credo, my mission... EVERYONE does deserve the chance to fly and I need to remember that I've proved I'm worthy enough to open my wings :)

0 weight change this week. I brought my points tracker to my leader to see if she can figure out why the scale isn't budging when I've been working out hard and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It isn't easy seeing those numbers, especially when I've worked so hard, but it's a plateau. And I REFUSE to let it get me down, damnit! How can I possibly get down when I was able to put on a dress today to go to the theatre in that I was wearing my senior year of high school?!? That's even more crazy to me. Not like I was in great shape in high school, but I like to think I was a lot thinner than now. After all the huge changes in my life, it's nice to know I did something right and that I can still feel like I'm getting in the best shape I've ever been. I'm not there yet, but I will be.

We had a great dinner with Jess tonight and some ice cream too! It's so nice to have a friend somewhat close by to count on, and Logan and Dexter adore her. It's been awhile since John and I've been on a date, so it was very much needed. She told me she's moving close to the zoo in a couple weeks, so it will be great to take Logan to see her and have a zoo day! Logan LOVES animals, and it's fun hearing him try to say new animal names. So far the word he says most is dog, but it sounds more like "gog." Tonight my neighbor had her cat outside and he clearly said "kitty." It's the cutest, and I just want to gobble him to pieces hearing him say words!

Anyway, not much else going on this week. Next weekend is Julia's bachelorette party, so hopefully I can relax and have a good time. I'm taking Logan to my parents' Saturday to stay overnight while I go to NY. I wanted to give John a weekend to himself too, and my parents get to spend time with Logan out of it, so I felt like everyone wins! I can't wait to see Jules- it's already been a few months and I can't wait until the wedding.

So much going on- busy, but very happy :)

6 miles

6 miles is what I ran today. Well, 6.2 to be exact. I'm not sure I ever thought I would be able to do it. And the weird thing is that I felt great! I thought for sure that I would be dying at the end, but I felt like I could keep going. I guess that's what happens when you take charge and finally make health and fitness a priority. I just looked back at my last post since I haven't written in quite awhile. While I might not ever be a size 6 (or smaller), maybe I could be an 8!

I've noticed lately my clothes feeling really loose. Even my watch is falling off of me. It's nice to have things be too big. Another foreign concept to me, since I'm always on the flip side.

I'm not sure that I have much to write about, which is crazy since I've been silent for almost a month. I haven't had many bad thoughts lately and have been generally pretty happy. I canceled my psychiatrist appointment on 8/6. I can't really tell you why, but I've been feeling in control and like I don't need to go. If that changes, I won't hesitate to make an appointment.

Things at home have been going well. Logan is still the sweetest little buddy, although we have had a few bumps with his behavior. Good thing it's perfectly normal for him to be testing us right now. Apparently the terrible 2's start now! He generally is very happy though.

John and I have been good to each other too, which makes things a lot easier. I know he was proud of me today- he tells me all the time how proud he is when we run. I think he takes pride in knowing that he married a strong and determined woman. It's also fun that we have running as something we can always do together. We don't have a ton of hobbies/interests in common, but we both know we can always come back to a run to enjoy time together. I'm really excited for next weekend since we're going to see Wicked in D.C. I've heard great things about the show (I saw it in NY on broadway, but it was in college when I had mono and could barely keep my eyes open), so I'm really looking forward to it. My friend Jess is going to come to be with Logan while we go, and then we'll come back and take her to dinner.

Weight Watchers is going well- I'm officially down 70 pounds from when I went in to have Logan (26 since starting WW.) I can't even believe I was 70 pounds heavier. I still have 12 pounds until I hit goal, but I'm feeling more confident about getting there. The end is in sight. I just have to keep pushing through. If I keep running as much as I have been, I should be there in no time.

6.2 MILES. Good lord. Next goal is 10 miles, but it doesn't look like there is a race that length until March. At least we can do a couple 8K/10K's in the next couple months. We'll just really have to stay active over the winter so that we're ready for 10 miles. If I can do that, I know I can do anything. I'm already starting to believe I can take on anything that comes my way. It's really empowering. Starting to hear the words in my head that I will do it and I will make it is the most beautiful song my heart can sing right now.

I'll never be a size 6

As I sit here, munching on my fun size Kit Kat bar, I am realizing that I will never be a size 6. It's not in the cards for me, and I'm ok with that. What I can do is be the healthiest I can be, and for me to do that, I need to splurge here and there. Maybe not as much as I have been, but enough to keep me satisfied without sabotaging my goals.

Since the end of May, I've only lost 1 lb. 1 silly little lb. I have no explanation and I'm not going to make up excuses, but I need to get back my focus again. I've been at this for almost 5 months and it's hard staying in the mindset. I just want to be at my goal, and I come down on myself hard for not hitting it by now. I feel like a sitting duck.

I'm not going to lie, but lately I've had some of those bad thoughts come back. I really have no desire to return to that dark place, but I feel like depression is starting to rear it's ugly head. I have had thoughts of bingeing and purging, which I haven't felt in a long time. I don't see my psychiatrist until the first weekend in August, but I think I'm stable enough to make it until then. I just don't understand why my head plays these games on me.

Maybe it's because my tiny little baby is now a walking toddler. Maybe it's because I found out John and I will have to move again because of the transfer he was approved for. Even though I have excitement about these things, I can't help but feel sad, and a longing for things to stay as they are. It seems so paradoxical to me that I can feel both ways at once.

It's Our God-Forsaken Right

This morning on my drive in to work, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz came on the radio. I've heard this song a million times, but I'm not sure I've really heard the words until today. I've been thinking a lot lately about the bickering that John and I do and wonder why we have been putting so much energy into mindless arguing. The lyrics in the song sent shivers down my spine- "there's no need to complicate... our time is short" struck a nerve because we are ALWAYS complicating things. We don't have forever with each other. When our time together does end one day, I want to have spent a life together learning and growing from each other through love. I want us to make a change since I feel like we're not doing our best at that.

I started thinking about it more last night when I made a lasagna for dinner and John started off on how it's not "diet food" and questioned why I even made it. It kind of hurt- I spent a lot of time preparing a nice meal, and it's not like I make the dish often, so I don't really understand why he immediately started attacking my choice to make it. I asked him why he did that- why he immediately had to turn to the negative. I think he got it, because he did try to change the conversation by saying that it was very good. It's things like this though that happen regularly that I think we need to make a better effort in avoiding. We pick at each other so much that we pick the person we love into pieces. And you know what? It's out god-forsaken right to be loved, not torn down! Both of us are to blame, and both of us need to work harder at building a happier relationship. And for everything it's worth- I know we can.

I had a really good visit with my friends this weekend. It was fun to "escape" a little and catch up with them. I don't see my old friends nearly enough, but it's nice to see that even though we've all been through change, that things are still pretty much the same. I hope they stay that way.

Since I left John and Logan alone much of the weekend, I really want to spend a lot of time together this coming weekend. We already talked about going blueberry picking, and I'm really excited for that. Hopefully the weather is good for it! Logan absolutely loves blueberries, just like John, so it will be fun to take him. He's been walking more and more everyday, so interested in experiencing the world. It's a beautiful thing to be a part of. I look at him and know that he needs loving parents, and while I think John and I do a great job, showing more love to each other will help Logan to feel more love. After all, it is his God-forsaken right too.

GUAG

In high school jazz band, there was a song we love to play that we nicknamed GUAG- or "Get Up and Go." This is pretty much the song that describes my life right now. I feel like I'm always moving and barely have time to stop and breathe. While I will say it's a good thing, I feel like time is just escaping from me, which makes me a little sad. I said back in May that I wanted to freeze time, and the feeling is no different. Except that it's JULY. Excuse me, but... what?! July already? And mid-July, at that.

I'll start off with saying that I made it through the 8K. And I loved it and am definitely craving another run. We signed up for the 10K the day of and I'm pumped. It felt so good to finish without stopping. I will never be a winner or one of the top contenders in a race, but the way it makes me feel is fantastic. After the 10K, we'll try to do a 10-mile race in the fall, and then our goal for the spring is a half marathon. It makes me pretty excited.

Weight Watchers is still difficult these days. I've been up and down and up and down too many times that I'm still just not losing much at all. I think these last 16 lbs are going to be rough!

John and I have been talking lately and I think we may completely nix our trip for the fall. We're really trying to focus on saving for a house and car and the other things we really need. We probably will be going to Texas for Christmas this year, so it's wiser to save the money and not be going on 2 trips. I'm disappointed, but we can't have it all. A house is really important since we have been dumping so much money into rent, and once we know where we will be more permanently (within the next year), I'd really like to be able to move into a house of our own. It stinks being a grown-up, but it's the most responsible thing even though I would die to go to Greece! Building a home together as a family is just a higher priority than vacations.

Logan's been on the verge of walking- I actually bought him some actual sneakers yesterday at Stride Rite since he's been taking more and more steps. He seemed comfy in them, but it will take some getting used to since they are bigger than the other shoes he's worn. He's getting so big, but is so much fun.

I've been extremely sleepy the past few weeks and I think it's because of my medicine. I stopped taking it for a few days since I ran out and just forget to go pick up the prescription, and I noticed I had a higher energy level, but I did start taking them again this morning. Side effects that come with medication are a huge pain. I wish they didn't affect me like that, but I guess it means it's working. Napping every afternoon is not something I really want to do though, but it tends to happen whether I welcome it or not.

I have some college friends coming to visit this weekend, so I'm really excited about that. I haven't seen them since my one friend's wedding last September, so it will be fun to have a girls weekend. John will hang out with Logan all weekend so that I can take them around town and get some sun at the bay beaches. We had our niece and nephew come visit last week from Texas, along with John's sister, so we've had a lot of company in our house lately. All welcome though! I've been good about staying calm about my house not being clean top to bottom and just letting things go, so I feel like that's positive.

I'm starting to miss my family- it's been about a month since I last saw them, and I still won't see them until the end of July. Gas is expensive these days and making the trips with a pre-toddler isn't easy, so the trips have been limited. But the visit for Nellie's baby shower is very much anticipated. I can't wait to see everyone and the shower will be so much fun!

If you haven't guessed, I'm starting to feel more like myself again. I've been in a good mood and it makes me happy that I can enjoy things as they come.

One foot in front of the other

It's been awhile. I've been pretty busy lately, so I keep forgetting to give myself time to write. And to be honest, I'd rather sleep!

I went to see my psychiatrist on Saturday and she was asking me about my new meds and how everything is going. I am seeing some side effects, mainly being lethargic. I am so tired lately that I've found myself needing to nap in the afternoons just to make it through the day. She wants me to up the meds and take one pill in the afternoon to get me through that sleepiness that comes right around late afternoon. Hopefully that helps.

We had a good last couple of weekends. Things have been nice and calm at home, despite a cranky teething boy.

We recently signed up for an 8K that will be next Saturday morning. It's going to be so hard, but I really wanted to push myself. If I can do it, then I know I can make it through the 10K in August, which was my goal earlier this spring. We ran another 5K on Father's Day, and it was pretty humid and hilly, but I still pushed really hard since I found happiness in passing other people, even with a stroller :)

The weight loss has been extremely slow these days. I've barely lost anything in the past month. I've been really splurging at all the BBQs, picnics, and birthday parties on weekends, but I bust my butt with my workouts. I've sort of plateaued I guess, but I'm trying to remember that I don't have too far to go, and that it will be slower since I'm closer to my goal. Yesterday, I didn't have any cake at the birthday party we went to, and that took A LOT for me to do. I just had a bite of John's. And I survived! Just gotta keep my focus on my goal still and remember that eating cake every weekend won't get me there.

Last weekend, I bought the Weight Watchers pedometer, so I've been putting that on everyday to see how many PointsPlus I burn each day. I was surprised to see that I burn an average of 3 each day, so I do get a lot of movement in, and that's not counting the points I get from working out. The pedometer so far has been a positive experience because, again, it keeps me focused on every step I take and every action I take. I can focus on just moving one foot in front of the other, and that soon enough, I will be where I want to be- mentally and physically.

A Letter to Myself

Dear Rachel,

3.5 months. That's all you have. 3.5 months to get those last 18 lbs off to hit goal at Weight Watchers and be ready for the cruise. You can do it, but it won't be easy! That means at least 1 lb a week needs to come off. 1 lb. Kick up the exercise, put down the treats, and make it happen. You DESERVE this and are WORTH it! You deserve to look amazing in your clothes and feel great. You are worth the hours of time it'll take working out. And if you ever think otherwise, just keep looking at this letter and about all the work you've done so far. Seriously. 66 lbs heavier, did you ever think you could do it? Well, you did, and that means you can keep doing it. 18 lbs is nothing in comparison to what you've already achieved. Keep your focus, hold your head high, and be proud of what you've done and what you continue to do. You're going to be one hot mama!

Love,

Yourself

One

One. My baby is one. Time, while it seems so slow sometimes, has whipped me in the face and run away with my tiny baby. And where did it go? I can't even begin to understand... understand how fast a year has gone. All I can say is that I have one happy, healthy little boy now, and I can't be more thankful for that.

I made it (through the week, that is.) One day at a time. I mentioned in my last post how my mother in law was here for 9 days. It seems like an eternity but taking it one day at a time works. And I was able to enjoy Logan's birthday- he and I went to run some errands and had frozen yogurt together. It's so fun to watch him try new things- he loves frozen yogurt, but it's highly entertaining watching him try new flavors. Thursday, John left for a 1 day trip, and I was extremely angry with him for scheduling the trip while his mother was visiting, but I didn't really even see her much since I was working and not feeling well. My cold was still kicking my butt come Friday, so I went to the doctor to get something to help.

Saturday was John's birthday, so we went for a nice run in the morning, had Indian food for lunch, and then went to a carnival in the afternoon. Logan wasn't really into the rides, but it was fun watching him on them. I was surprised that they let him on some of the kiddie rides. Sunday we went to one of Logan's friend's birthday parties and then went to the Vintage Virginia 2011 Wine Festival. It was extremely hot and sticky, but the wine was great and we came home with 3 bottles.

Saturday morning I did see my psychiatrist. It was nice that she was understanding about my feelings for my meds and she did write me a script for something new- Lexapro. I still haven't been able to drop off the Rx, but I'm going to do it today. She said that women who take it report having better "sexy time" experiences, so let's hope it helps me too. Other than that, I may have some side effects. She said that it's common to have a loss of appetite around lunchtime, since I'll have to take the medication in the morning. I may also get jittery in the morning. But she thinks overall, I'll feel better on it. It seems I've made good progress with my anxiety, but I am starting to feel depressive symptoms, so I'm looking forward to the change in medication.

Last night we blew up the baby pool and put Logan in the water. He LOVED it! It's going to be such a great summer watching him play in the pool. He was crawling all around, splashing, playing with duckies, playing with the bouncy ball. It's just so endearing watching him when he is so happy. We took some videos and pictures, so I'll have to share them.

Elizabeth left this morning, and now I'm trying to get some work done. I'm working at home because Laura, our nanny, was still going to be in NY. She was doing an 18 mile walk for suicide prevention this weekend, so I needed to be home with Logan today. I worry about work sometimes with my crazy schedule- I had to actually leave a client meeting on Thursday because of my insane coughing fit, which is why I ended up going to the doctor Friday, but I felt extremely awful about having to leave. Ultimately, I was being more disruptive by trying to stick it out though. I just get nervous that since I'm not in the office full-time already and then these little things come up that keep me out during my normal work hours, they might not see me as a huge asset and end up getting rid of me early or not extending my contract at the end of October. My job is pretty perfect and I don't want to lose it! Ugh, deep breath- I have to remind myself to just take it one day at a time and do the best that I can.

Parties, holidays, and family

I haven't written in quite awhile, and I'll blame that on the party. We just hosted Logan's 1st birthday party on Saturday and I am still exhausted from it. It turned out to be great, but it was a ton of work. I don't think I knew what I was getting myself into by having it at our house. In addition to having family stay at my house who were coming from out of town, I had to clean it top to bottom, set up decorations, and prepare all the food since we did everything ourselves. Add my crazy niece and nephew into themix and an annoying mother in law and you have a very stressed out momma.

The party was a great success though- I got a lot of compliments about how cute the details were and I was pretty happy with how everything turned out. I guess all my hard work paid off and I had a very happy little birthday boy :)

I'll start of by saying I had no idea my mother in law was coming until 4 days before. She came Friday and is staying until this coming Monday. 9 days. 9 whole days for me to get more and more stressed out and unhappy. I don't even know what else to say other than each new visit with her gets more and more painful. I try to be nice, I try to bite my tongue, but how many times can someone just be quiet before they snap? I'm getting very close to snapping, so I find the best way to avoid it is just to hide. But I don't want to hide from my baby and John. It's supposed to be a special time for us with his birthday tomorrow, but I'm having a hard time being able to keep cool and enjoy the time with him when I have someone who annoys the hell out of me in my house. Today I'm at work, which I don't usually do on Tuesdays, but I wanted tomorrow off to be able to spend the day with the birthday boy. And since John is not taking any time off, you can be sure that I will be out of the house with Logan all day, just the two of us, to enjoy our day in peace. I did not sign on for having Elizabeth around while John is not....

I stopped taking my meds. I know it might not have been the best idea with the stressful week I've had, but I've noticed that my mood has been sort of "off" with them lately. I haven't actually taken them in about 5 days after a pill got stuck in my chest and I felt like it was stuck there for 2 days. Sometimes that happens when I take them at night and then lay down to sleep afterwards. I see my psychiatrist on Saturday morning, so we'll see what she says, but I can't keep doing what I'm doing (not taking them) and I can't go back to what I was doing when I was taking them. Last time I saw her she prescribed a provitamin to take with the Prozac so that I would respond better to it, but after I was through with the samples and went to pick up the prescription, they told me it was going to be $89 since my insurance doesn't cover it. $89? No thanks. So I need a different option.

I'll be blunt and say that the medication has partially been responsible for my lack of interest in.... ummm... "sexy time." It makes for a really unhappy husband. John has started to refer to it as the "abstinence pill." It's probably a combination of that and the birth control pill I'm on, but my next gynecologist visit isn't until mid June. So it'll be awhile yet until I can get that changed as well. I want to feel normal again- the past weeks I haven't and I've really felt off track with my weight loss too (mainly because of parties and celebrations going on, but I also haven't felt committed like I was before.) Something needs to change- I just want to hide.

On top of everything, I'm still sick. I was extremely sick 2 weeks ago and it's still lingering, so I probably need to get to the doctor. Logan caught it for awhile, but he seems to be better. He got a pretty nasty stomach bug too after his party, probably from everything he ate, but he seems to have kicked it. Poor buddy.

I can't believe I am here, 1 day before my baby's birthday, extremely unhappy and feeling like an emotional mess. I want tomorrow to be very special for him, so hopefully I can get past the ill feelings I have about Elizabeth's poor visit and just focus on Logan. He deserves a spectacular day, and I'll do my best to give it to him!

So that's what it feels like

Yesterday, I had the joy of celebrating my first Mother's Day. Sure, last year I was celebrating as an expectant mom, but it's a lot different having a little smiling face there beside you. It was a great day. We started it by going to IHOP (gasp... yes, I went to IHOP and was still able to stay on track with my points!) We went mainly because I wanted waffles for breakfast and we realized we didn't have a waffle maker. After breakfast we went to our last spring swim lesson, and then headed home for nap time. After lunch, we went to a self-serve frozen yogurt place that is absolutely delicious. They have a flavor called cake batter and I can't think of anything I'd rather have. Pure heaven. Logan enjoyed it too! After nap #2, we went for a 4-mile run, and it was a beautiful day for it. We were originally only going to run for a half hour, but I was in the mood to keep going, so I just went with it. We had dinner afterwards- sun-dried tomato and goat cheese ravioli with a salad, which I made. I couldn't have asked for a better day :)

The past week has gone well. I did see my psychiatrist on Saturday, and while she said she would have liked to see a better reaction to my medication, she didn't increase it. She did prescribe a provitamin though that will help me respond better to the dosage I am on. So we'll give that a try and see how things go. The positive news is that I don't have to see her again for another month. So she must be confident that I am doing ok- and I am too.

At Weight Watchers I lost another 2.2 lbs for a total of 17.6 lbs in 2 months. I'm extremely happy with that! I'm basically halfway to my goal, since I had said I wanted to lose 35 lbs before Julia's wedding. I think I can do it. It still feels great to be taking charge of my life and getting healthy. I know how important it is to set a good example for Logan. John has told me again and again how proud he is of me. I was convinced that in the beginning, I was pushed into doing this for him- but really, I did it for me. I needed to feel like I had value- that I was worth it. The bonus is that by helping myself, I am helping my family and providing a better life for all of us.

Yesterday, I put Logan to bed, and had a thought. As I shut off the light and closed the door, inching away from his smiling face, I realized that there is nothing in this world more beautiful than his little smile. I would run mile after mile if it meant that I could see his smiling face for one more day. I guess now I know what it feels like- to really feel and love like a mother does. My mom made me a shuterfly book for Mother's Day with pictures of Logan and me from the past year. On one of the pages, she included a poem about how even though mommies are choosing and planning for their babies, their babies are choosing their mommies. By his happiness, hugs, and love, I know he chose me. And I would choose him over and over again. He is the light of my life and makes me so happy to be his mom. Every day.

Freezing May

It's finally May, and I don't know how to feel. I've been taking my increased dosage of meds for almost 2 weeks now, and I still am not seeing much of a difference. Things have been particularly calm lately, so maybe the meds change just hasn't been tested yet. I just don't know. I'm not really looking forward to going back to see my psychiatrist on Saturday. Sure, my first visit with her went smoothly, but I'm ready to wipe my hands clean of the whole mess. I want it to be gone and I want to feel normal and not be controlled by medication. I am scared of what I would be like off of it though.

Logan turned 11 months yesterday. 11 months. Honestly, where does the time go? I miss my little baby so much. While he's getting so much more interactive, I just want him to stay little. He's been taking his first steps the past week- it's a lot of fun to see, but it makes me want to freeze time. Most of my anxiety has come from the fear and anticipation I have of "the next big thing"- the next life-changing event, the next trip, the next move, the next job... I think I've spent so much of my life fretting over the next big thing that I've failed to enjoy the moments while they come. So the fact that I do want to freeze time might just be a good thing because it shows that I am slowing down, that I am focused on "the now" and not what's coming next.

Rain will make the flowers grow

It's Easter today. I had a really good weekend spending time with family back home in PA with John and Logan. I love being so close to be able to do that. It's hard to describe it, but going home is rejuvenating for me. It's corny, but there really is no place like home, and I'm not really sure I'll ever consider another place my home. Even though I'm building a life of my own with my husband and son, I still consider the place where my parents, sister, grandparents, aunts and uncles are as home. I guess there's still a part of me that was so afraid and sad to leave there, and I'm still holding onto it. I've come to realize that starting over time and again in a new place, while I've welcomed it in the past, is actually a really scary thing. But I digress... I just need to focus on the things that make me happy at this point, and my whole family, together on holidays, is something that jumps to the top of the list.

I wanted to post before I had my evaluation with the psychiatrist this past week, but I just didn't get around to it. I freaked out pretty hard. It's something I had put off for so long that I had to pull every ounce of will inside of me to get myself to the appointment. I didn't really know what to expect, even though I have seen psychiatrists before when I was treated for Bulimia in high school. I just had a fear of facing that all again- of reverting back to a "weak" and "unwell" person. The only way to get myself through it was to remember that a little bit of pain, in the end, is worth the outcome. Hence my post title, "Rain will make the flowers grow."

Anyway, the appointment went well. She really went through EVERYTHING and was a lot more thorough than anyone I've seen in the past. She asked me a lot- but most of all, she listened. I liked her a lot, and I felt comfortable talking with her, which is really important in my eyes. I felt ok with being honest about each question and felt the need to be just as thorough with her. By the end of the evaluation, she did decide to up my meds. She explained that the dose I am on is pretty much the lowest there is, and that after the first initial months of taking it, it tends to act more like a placebo than doing the job it needs to do. So she doubled it, and I have to see her again 2 1/2 weeks later to see if it's working. So far, it's been 4 days and I can't see much of a difference. It sort of makes me cringe to think I may need more.

Things at home are still improving, but in the car, where John and I tend to start getting really honest with each other, we had some pretty big arguments (on the way to my parents' for the weekend.) Most of the time when this happens, I'm driving, which I think may not be the best plan for us, even though I can't stand John's driving. Horrible, unimagineable things come into my mind sometimes when we're fighting in the car, like "I might as well just drive right off the road" or "I should just pull over and get out of the car and walk into oncoming traffic." Would I ever act on these feelings? No. But the frequency with which I think about these things when I get worked up scares me. Constantly, I'm thinking about "what happens if I snap?" These are the sort of things that make me think I'm going crazy. These of course are REALLY bad days and are triggered by an array of problems, but I really have to be honest with myself about how I feel on the bad days. After all, I'm not seeking help for GOOD days, right?

But let's talk about the good days, shall we? I had a couple of them since I last wrote, and by good, I mean great. Like nothing in the world can be wrong and I feel so fabulous that I feel like bursting into song. I know it's weird that I can go from so low to so high, but again, my emotions are highly triggered by my environment. One day when I was taking Dexter and Logan for a walk, on a particularly beautiful day, I had a few thoughts. It was breezy and clear, with a couple clouds, and I was thinking about how weather is a lot like my situation. I came to the realization that skies change. We can't expect that everyday we'll have sun. Sometimes a cloud or two will roll in, but it's our job as optimistic people to look at the clouds overhead and reach for the rays of light between. That's all I can do at this point. I mentioned in my last post about how I have to focus on the positives. And that's exactly what reaching for the rays of light is about. I'm always going to have a rainy day here and there, but I have to keep my eye on "the good" to supress the crazy talk that happens in my head. I can only have faith that a combination of that, and the meds, will get me to where I need to be.

This face

This face is what gives me peace. Everyone has commented that he's such a happy boy and he really is. I have to know in my heart that he's happy because of everything that John and I have done for him as parents. It's such a heartwarming little face! I mean, just look at him :)

I've been doing pretty well lately. I'm getting nervous since my psychiatrist appointment is next Wednesday, but I'm sure I don't really have anything to worry about. Worrying is what I do, so I won't really be at ease until it's over.

Everything at home is really good. I'm officially down 10 lbs since starting Weight Watchers. It's nice to be able to fit into old clothes again and buy new things in smaller sizes. I'm definitely on my way to my goal. I think I just need to keep being as active as I can be. Shouldn't be too hard with the beautiful weather we've had. Some days, I really look forward to taking Logan and Dexter out for a walk. Some days, I just want to hide, but I have to keep my focus on the positives.

I've been doing a lot of birthday party shopping for Logan. Having a party will be really fun I think. I love planning things like that, so that's been keeping me busy. I have most of the decorations and things that I need, so we'll just need to make a trip to the grocery store before the party to get all the food. There are some projects I'm working on- I'm making centerpieces out of lollipops and M&Ms, Logan's birthday hat, invitations, and display cards for the food (since his party is the Very Hungry Caterpillar theme, I wanted to print out the story on cards to put next to all the fruit that the caterpillar eats in the story.) It makes me feel good to be doing a lot of these things myself instead of buying them. I want him to have the best party! Hopefully we will be seeing a lot of his sweet "cheese face" for his birthday. Only about 6 weeks left!

It's been hard for me to think about how big Logan is getting. He's almost a toddler at this point. I miss my little baby so much, but I do find myself not going as crazy with a little one who is not as dependent on me. While giving up breastfeeding was difficult, it has given me a lot more freedom. And the older he gets, the more freedom I have since he can do more for himself. It's really fun watching him grow. Now if only I could just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride! I find lots of enjoyment in being a mother, but the bad times still pull me down. But I'm working on it. One step at a time.

I did it

Well, I made the call. There was a lapse between the time it took to get in touch with the Medical Director and book an actual appointment, but I did it, and I'll be seeing my new psychiatrist the end of April. It's sort of far away, but it gives me a date in my head at least. I feel better after finally setting that up. I didn't think I would, mainly because I feel like I literally am crazy and having to be evaluated sort of makes me cringe. But I need to make sure I am on the right medications moving forward and keep everything sorted out. Hopefully my psychiatrist will be able to set me up with a good therapist too.

Things have been much better at home since the "throwdown." I think John feels better that we were able to talk about everything openly, and we're doing what we can to move on. This week has flown by pretty quickly, but I feel like there is peace between us. I'm happy that we're spending even more time together, too. He's been more willing to just sit with me, and I feel good that he's not running away from me like he seemed to be before.

This weekend I am heading to my parents' with Logan, and John is going to stay here with Dexter. I think it'll be good to have a little break from each other. Since we're going to my parents' for Easter the end of April, I didn't want to force John to have to go twice, and he's not really into birthday parties anyway, so I thought I would just go alone and he can stay and get some things done around the house and do a little studying for a certification he has to get.

I feel like I don't talk about Logan much. John and I were talking last night about how good of a baby he is. He really is so well-behaved and such a sweetheart. Lately, he'll crawl around on the floor up to me, stand up, and reach for hugs. It melts my heart. We even took him with us to the city when we had to go on base to get our taxes done, and he was so good the entire time. I know all parents must think this, but I feel like we really have the best baby. We're starting to see his personality come out more and more, and it's a lot of fun. He loves to read books and is addicted to Baby Einstein. He loves learning and exploring his world, just like his daddy. His new favorite thing is standing up holding onto the potty. I don't know what it is about the toilet, but kids are fascinated. I guess he'll start trying to flush it next. He's doing great with his motor skills- he can crawl, stand up, sit down, cruise, climb stairs, pinch food in his fingers, drink out of a sippy cup, and he's starting to learn to do High-5s and wave hi/bye. My smart little guy. We're just waiting for him to say some actual words since all he does now is speak gibberish.

So despite my lows, I guess I still was able to do it- I still was able to continue raising such a great little boy. I know John and I are capable of keeping it up together, and as I get better and better, it will only get easier.

Throwdown

In the urban dictionary, "throwdown" means " to attack, to fight." Boy, was I attacked. Not in the best of ways, but in a way that has me seeing a little more clearly. I'm not really sure what brought it on, but I guess it sort of started with a conversation John and I were having about my mother in law. It just spun itself into this mess of harshness towards me. I know John and I have not been happy, but it hurt to hear him tell me how he's been losing respect for me. His claim is that I do not educate myself on things that matter, but then always complain when he does educate himself on those things and then makes certain decisions. Mainly I'm talking about money matters, and I'll be the first to admit I don't know much about money. I admit I've brought up concerns about money that are somewhat unfounded, but he thinks I'm extremely negative. I don't really see myself that way. But when my husband does constantly hear "I can't" and "I won't" or "I'm not comfortable", I know there's something I need to change. He needs reasons for my anxiety. He even suggested for me to write down all of my concerns for anything that gives me anxiety, and we can go through each of them together and he can show me all the information he has on why I don't need to be concerned. I think this is his plea for letting me in to help me solve my problems.

He told me that my inability to solve my own problems is what bothers him- that I'm always waiting for someone else to solve them for me or to take a pill to solve them. His point is that it's either laziness on my part to not do the work myself, or that I'm just an idiot, which he knows I'm not. So then he's left to go with lazy. I don't want him to see me as lazy. Because I work hard. I go to work, I deal with the baby all the time, and keep a clean house. I'm exhausted, and I don't get much help at home, only with the baby. I'm the one doing the dishes all the time, I'm the one taking out the trash, I'm the one doing the laundry, I'm the one vaccuuming/dusting/scrubbing/organizing/putting crap away. I get NO help with any of that, and even when I make the smallest requests, nothing gets done and I end up doing it myself.

I'm not saying this is an excuse for not solving my problems, but I'm definitely not lazy. However, I see his point- if I want to make educated decisions regarding some of the things that give me anxiety, I have to do the research or let him make the decisions. I acknowledge his claims. I know I need help and need to stop thinking the worst, but that's just how my mind has worked for so long. I immediately start to panic when there's a slight risk or problem with anything. Is that what negativity is? I don't mean to be a downer all the time, but I guess I get so freaked out that I lose sight of what I need to do to calm myself and my fears.

I just want to move on from this, but I'm not sure he can. I feel like I'm responsible for damaging our relationship and I'm starting to hate myself for that. I need him and our happiness back, and I know what I need to do.

The phone is inches away, and it's time to make the appointment. I'm terrified but I need to make this better now.

Climbing the ladder

I feel like things have been better since my last post. The fighting has ceased, which makes for a happier environment at home. The weekend wasn't all that bad- I lost another 2 lbs on the scale on Saturday, so I'm officially down 7 lbs since starting Weight Watchers. I still feel good about that. Granted losing weight doesn't solve the issues John and I have, but it gives me something to focus my energy on.

I took my mom's advice and John and I were able to spend more time together this weekend. We went shopping on Saturday with Logan and hung around together more than usual. He made a really great dinner again on Sunday (veggie enchiladas.) I like to see him do things at home or around the house because I always feel like I'm the one doing that stuff. He also toned down the game-playing, which I appreciate. Last night we worked out together while watching Dancing with the Stars, after Logan went to bed, and it was fun pushing each other and just laughing at the contestants and other things. I've also tried to just have him hold me more often since I feel like that sort of disappeared for awhile. I've been seeing a difference. I think we both are happier. Baby steps, but I think we can get back to where we were.

I made the call on Friday to the counseling center I want to go to. I got some information from them about costs and their process and also got in touch with my insurance to make sure I don't need prior authorization for psychoanalysis, since I would have to start with a psychiatrist upon going to the center. I need to see a psychiatrist anyway since my family doctor prescribed my current medication and I was told that I need someone monitoring me. So I made the first steps, and now I just have to call back and make the appointment. I promised myself that I will do it by the end of the week.

Here's to hoping that I'm going to follow through with my promise.

Falling

Yesterday, I fell. Hard. I had such a great day on Wednesday only to crash Thursday. I can probably attribute it to all the fighting that's been going on at home and my period, plus stress at work. I had some of those awful thoughts come back, which is the first time since I've been on my meds. With the fighting escalating, I know it's time and I'm ready to talk to someone. Something needs to change.

I ended up staying 2 hours late at work yesterday to lead a meeting that my boss was late to, so I was pretty stressed out after that and having to drive an hour and a half before I got home. John made a really good dinner since he got home early from a conference that was over around 2, so at least my nanny wasn't stuck here. After that, I feel like things got ugly. We just keep fighting about stupid things. He hasn't even come to bed any night this week before midnight, always up playing video games. Last night I talked to my mom about the way I've been feeling about the issues in my marriage, and she thinks we just need to talk to each other and spend time together. She's right, but I'm just so angry that I have no desire to talk to him. He's been hurtful and disrespectful. I thought about leaving for the weekend to go to my parents and to see my niece at the ice show, but since the show is late tonight, it wouldn't work out for Logan. So I'm stuck here figuring out how I can get out tonight alone. I have no interest in being home and trying to put on a happy face for the friends he has coming over.

I feel so low right now and just want to hide in bed.

Another good day

I feel like I'm floating. It's hard to say, but I feel like I have a peace inside that I can't explain. I say that it's "hard to say" only because there have been many times where I felt the same way only to find myself back in a pit...

I'm not sure what I attribute this new satisfaction to, but I don't want it to end. I've been keeping up with my diet, and on the scale Saturday I was down 5 lbs. In a week. Talk about taking control! I'm doing well so far this week, but I have a slight feeling that I could do better. I guess it's still that voice inside of me that rears its ugly head every now and again, telling me I need to push harder, go further, move faster.

Maybe my meds are what has been masking that voice. I finally sent the link to my blog to Nellie last week, and she gave me well thought-out feedback on my thoughts. I'm still processing everything that she brought up. I thought it would be a good idea to finally open the blog up to those that I'm particularly close with, and also other people out there in internetland that struggle with both post partum disorders and anxiety/depression in general. I felt like since I was making progress that it was a good time to share, but maybe not. Would it inspire hope that others know I can beat it, and that others who struggle can beat it too? Or is it discouraging for people to see me go up so high and fall so low?

Sometimes I think I'm bipolar- hence the title of my blog "To the moon- and back." Sometimes I feel like I'm flying up so high and everything comes crashing down. Nellie pointed out to me that I've had A LOT of changes in my life the past couple years. I won't deny that. Maybe the constant change, even though they are "happy" events, have caused me to feel like I lost control somewhere along the way. I've really put off seeing someone for a long time. It's now been 2 months since I first saw my doctor about everything, and while I feel good, I know I need to clear my head and seek out that voice that I hate so much to discover why it's been there, face it, and suppress it for good while I'm three steps ahead. I don't know why it's so hard for me to make the phone call, but thinking about it just makes me want to run.

I'm going to keep my feet planted.

Taking control

I feel amazing right now, which is probably why I've been missing lately. What do I really have to complain about? Nothing. I joined Weight Watchers last week and I already feel like it's been a huge booster in my life. I've started exercising, cooking healthy, and eating healthy, and I've never felt more motivated and energized. It's nice to feel like I'm taking back control, and I feel like I'm becoming a better person, too. It really is an awesome feeling. For so long I've felt like a mom, and that's it. Not like an individual, not like a woman who is intelligent, goal-oriented, and strong, and I think that I am starting to get that back. I'm starting to get my LIFE back. It's hard after having a baby to find that motivation to keep yourself fresh. I want to be me, and slowly, I feel like it's back in reach, or maybe even right in front of my eyes. For a long time, I also felt like I was a damaged woman for having a child- that I had no other value than to be a mother, and if I couldn't succeed past perfection at being a mother then I was worthless. What I've realized is taking back control of my life will allow me to give Logan that much better of a life- so that he has a positive role model who is healthy and strong. I can see now how important that part is and how much he deserves it. It feels good.... it feels REALLY good.

I can't even believe...

...how fast 3 weeks go by. It's been over 3 weeks since I posted and the time has flown. Maybe because I've been content. I know my meds are really helping and I feel pretty good. I saw my doctor on Friday for a check since it had been over a month since I saw her and she did refill my prescription for another 6 months, but I have to work on the therapy part soon. I've narrowed it down to where I want to go, it's just making the call at this point. I've been lazy about it, but I know it's necessary. I guess my fear is trying to work out the timing of it since it's more time away from the baby. I already thought it would be good for me to try Weight Watchers since I really want to work on losing weight. My goal is 35-40 lbs by late September before my friend Julia's wedding. So with that and therapy, it will be Saturday time away where I would have to count on John to be with Logan.

The biggest craziness that has happened the past few weeks was our Key West trip. It was great having the time away from the cold and with my family. Logan is such a good baby and we are truly lucky. He was great on the plane rides and during the days while we were touring the town and everything. We ate a TON of food, and I was sure that I would have gained 10 lbs, but I came back and actually lost weight from all the walking we did. Overall, a great trip, and I can't wait for another to a different place. John said he might be going to Hawaii for a conference in September, so it would be a lot of fun to go there.

Nellie came to visit Friday, which was great. It was nice that she could come see the baby. I miss her a lot. We talk often, but it'll never be the same as living in the same area. I hadn't seen her since Thanksgiving, and that was only for a couple hours, so it's been far too long without having her around. We did some shopping, walking out in the nice weather, and went to the zoo with the boys yesterday. She also made us dinner Saturday, which was fun and very tasty! A very good weekend :)

Today I'm off from work for President's Day. It's rainy, but I'm ok with that. My neck has been acting up a lot, so I took a good nap after waking up super early to take Nellie to the airport and I feel much better. John is off too, so we're just taking it easy and getting some things done around here.

I'm working tomorrow (Tuesday), Wednesday, and Thursday this week since I missed a couple days when we were in Key West and because we were off today for the holiday. I have to bring home some bucks somehow! I figured I'd want some time at work anyway after being on vacation and having a long weekend, so it seemed perfect to work 3 days in a row this week. I may miss a day with my wisdom teeth next week too, so I need to put in the hours now.

But yes, feeling pretty good these days. We all have bad days, but I find a lot of comfort in the good ones. I'm lucky there have been a lot of them recently.

1 hour til the nugget goes to bed

Lately, I've been finding myself get into this anticipation of putting the baby down for naps and for bed. I've actually started counting down. 3 hours... 2 hours... 1 hour... 1/2 hour... I started thinking about why, and came to realize that the reason why is that his crib is a safe place. It's where I know he is fully taken care of, whereas during the day, I feel like he never fully is because I can't give him everything he needs. He's been really cranky lately, probably because of his teeth coming through, but it's been wearing on me. I feel like anything I do isn't enough. I think I'll always struggle with the thought that I'm not giving him everything, but I know I'm going to have to learn that what I give him is good. I just want to be a good mommy. John never really tells me that I am. He's only said it maybe twice, but I feel like I need his approval. I need to feel like he approves of me as a mother since I know how important a family is to him.

We have had arguments a lot lately and it comes back to a very big argument we had back in November about me being "lazy." It hurts when he comes down on me so hard, but he is very critical. I think he's a lot more critical than he used to be, and I attribute that to working on the sub. I think it really changed him in that respect and I feel like he's not as warm as he used to be. I love him a lot and, while I know people change, I wish he would just not be so rigid. I just feel worthless sometimes, and I know that's not how people are supposed to feel in a loving marriage. I think we have some work to do.

We had my parents visit last weekend for my birthday, which was nice. My parents always like to make me feel special. My husband refused to even wish me a happy birthday on my actual birthday since he said we already celebrated the day before. Ok... well, thanks. That makes me feel great. He was gone from Monday-Friday at a conference in Florida, so I was alone most of the week. My mom came back on Thursday despite the terrible weather. She stayed until yesterday, so I was glad to have her at the end since it's hard being alone that long. It's times like those that I really wish my mom was closer and I could see my parents more often even though I am grateful that they are at least in driving distance.

I haven't been to work since Monday and am ready to get back tomorrow. We had some pretty awful snow Wednesday that kept me home. Even though I had my mom around for couple days and John helping this weekend while I worked at home, I can't be home with the baby anymore. It's such a hard feeling to explain. He is my world and my complete joy, but also my biggest fear. I just fear messing things up for him so much.

My prescription is running out, and I need to call to set up appointments with new doctors to continue treatment. I just don't want to think about it, but I know it's important. I feel like I'm not ready for it and want to keep fighting it on my own. I have to remind myself why I decided I needed help from the beginning. It's time to change this.

1 week later

I can't even believe it's been a week since I last updated. That flew! So I've officially been taking my meds for a week, and I'm not sure I feel very much different. I guess I need to give it some time. Time will tell if it's really what will give me the boost I need. But I think I can say that I feel ok. I think it's possible that it has had more of an effect on Logan. I read that Prozac does cause some irritability in infants since it does enter the milk. I am still nursing Logan in the morning and at night before bed, but I'm not sure he's even getting much anymore. It could just be teeth. Whatever the heck it is, it sucks.

The long weekend was nice, but I was definitely ready to go back to work Wednesday. We didn't do anything huge- had some friends over Saturday night for dinner and just hung out a bunch. I sort of got into the habit of having a few drinks, which I know isn't the best for my meds. I figure one drink isn't going to do anything. Tuesday was one of my hardest days in a long time. Logan was particularly difficult- he just wanted to scream the whole day, which could circle back to the teething, but I was ready to throw myself out the window. I called John at 4pm begging him to come home and take Logan from me. He did, and brought ice cream and flowers with him. He knows on days that I call that it's bad. I don't like to admit that I can't handle it, but sometimes I have to. I'm lucky John has been understanding. It was nice having him cook dinner too so I could just unwind from such an awful day.

So as I was saying, Wednesday was necessary for me. I've come to understand that I NEED to work. As hard as it is for me to say, I was never meant to be a stay at home mother. I like having the time away and to feel like I'm contributing to my family in a way independent from raising kids. Having stayed home with Logan for the first 5 months, I do know what it's like and really respect moms that do it. Even on my days off, I see how hard it is. Add anxiety to that and it's a million times worse. I'm not sure how healthy I would be if I continued to be at home all the time. I think in a way, working has saved me.

John was away from Wednesday until today. Logan's been pretty good, so I can't complain too much about having to be alone with him for a few days. But I am looking forward to having John back. Today I had my old nanny over that I had mentioned in my last post. It was nice having her here, and I realized we really do have a few of the same issues. While I know it's hard for any mother to go through, it's sort of nice to be able to have someone to talk about it with and know that I'm not alone in some of the feelings I have. We had a good lunch and good conversation.

My parents are coming tomorrow. It's been a long time since they've been here- I guess Halloween was the last time. I like having my parents around and wish I could see them more. John is going to be away this coming Monday until Saturday, so my mom will come back down Thursday and stay until Saturday so that I'm not alone as long. John is away a lot within the next few weeks, so I'll be happy to have my mom around to help.

I'm actually pretty excited about my birthday. We ordered my cake last weekend and it will be ready tomorrow. Yum! It feels good to have something to be excited about. I also booked my flight to Key West in February. It'll be great to have a break from the cold. It's supposed to be in the single digits tonight, so I am definitely craving the warmth and sun. A family vacation sounds very replenishing.

I feel ok.

Prescription filled

So there we have it. My prescription for Prozac is filled. I've decided I will start taking it tonight. It's time. I can't keep fearing this anymore. Next step- call a psychiatrist and get all the insurance stuff sorted out. I'm sure I'll research the hell out of it, like I always do for everything.

I've had yet more conversations with my mom and John, and I've been able to better understand all of what I'm feeling. I guess that's one of the first steps. I just wonder where all of the obsessive compulsive behaviors I had came from. Even my mom, who I've always joked has OCD, really isn't. She knows what things are important and which are not- which ones to worry about, and which ones she can just brush off her sleeve. I, on the other hand, obsess about everything and anything. Where did I learn that? And why has it consumed me and everything I do?

I got an email from Logan's old nanny, who is about my age and has a daughter of her own, about doing a switch off with the babies so that we each could get some "me" time during the week, and also do a date night where John and I watch her daughter while she and her husband go out, and another night she and her husband watch Logan while we go out. I thought it was a great idea. And then I remembered that if I'm not 100% able to care for my own child on my bad days, then I can't possibly care for hers too. I had to tell her what I've been going through, but that I would be interested in getting together for lunch with the babies to keep in touch. She understood, and actually opened the door for me to vent to her, or call her if I needed to talk. It really means a lot, and I hope that in the future, we will be able to work something out with watching each other's kids. I just know I have a lot of work to do before I get there. It's nice to have someone to lean on in the meantime, someone who has had a baby recently too and can relate to some of the feelings I have.

Somehow I'm really tired tonight, and I think I will be able to fall asleep quickly. I've been struggling for so long with not being able to fall ashleep. Sorting this out in my head is already helping.

What if?

I know it's been a few days- wish I could have popped on here to write a bit. Friday I had spent my evening with John. He had a lot of questions for me that I couldn't really answer either. He asked me what my worst thought has been, and I honestly was afraid to even say it out loud. I can't. Saying it out loud would just make me feel more crazy. I told him some of the little things I think on a daily basis, the things that pop into my head whenever I do anything. Like if I am carrying Logan up the stairs, I constantly think that I need to be careful, otherwise I could fall backwards and something awful could happen. Little thoughts like that are what make me think I am going out of my mind. I constantly think about the "what ifs." Sometimes I even have pretty morbid what-ifs run through my mind- and I'm extremely terrified of those ones.

We spent the weekend with friends and family in PA, which was good I guess. I usually like seeing them as much as I can. John always is a huge help when we go to my parents' house too. He changes diapers and feeds Logan most of the time so that I can spend the time I need with my parents or whoever is visiting. Saturday evening my sister came over to have dinner with my parents and us with the kids. I can't help but be hurt and angry by some things that she said about Logan having a bottle. She infuriates me when she gets up on her high horse about Logan having formula. She said something about her kids never having a drop of it and telling my nephew that formula is yucky. My dad heard her, and he even said to her that it was enough and we didn't need to hear anymore. I wanted to tell her to shove the bottle up her ass. But really, it just gave me more fuel for my fire on how I think other people are judging me and waiting for me to fail.

The past couple days have actually been "good" days. I feel like the baby has been extremely cooperative and his smiles help me through everyday. Today was the day for my doctor visit. I explained what I have been feeling and she was very good at just listening and asking minimal questions. I realized today just how much I like my family doctor. She diagnosed me with anxiety- not so much depression- that has been brought on by the different stressers in my life. She asked me about my thoughts on treatment, and also gave me her recommendations. She thought it would be best for me to first see a psychiatrist and find a plan with them along with reaching out to some of the other moms I know in the area, if I was comfortable discussing with them some of the issues I have. She did also write me a prescription in the meantime for Prozac, which I was on 8 years ago if I need it. She said the biggest concern with jumping into medication is that people start on it with no plan to stop it and then struggle returning to life without medication. Her plan would be that I be on medication no longer than 6 months. My prescription is actually only for 30 days, so I would need to see the psychiatrist so that he/she could monitor me. I've given it some thought, along with talking with John about it, and I think I will start the prescription to give me the jump start I need. I'm more afraid of falling deeper into my fears and having a hard time pulling myself out of it, whereas if I have that jump start, I can more easily sort through my issues and get the therapy I need.

What if I can kick this? What if I can go through one day not fearing the unknown? What if I can live my life feeling secure, loved, and content? What if...

Better off

This morning, as I walked out my door to go to work, I had a feeling of sadness. As I handed Logan off to our nanny, I couldn't help but think the words in my head- "he's better off with her." The way she is with him is amazing. I'm content that choosing a nanny for him ended up being a good choice, but it also makes me hurt a little seeing how happy he is with her. Is he that happy with me? Am I giving him as much as she gives him? Do I have the patience, the instincts, the touch that she has? Even the dog, who used to follow me around the house has become attached to her. I need the day to come where I know I am the best thing for my little ones, but I have a feeling it's distant. Right now, I feel toxic.

I had a conversation with my mom this evening that addressed some of what I've been battling the past couple months. I think she was caught off guard and surprised that I have been struggling once again. She had a lot of questions, and even though she wanted to make it better, I had to let her know it's time for help- more help than she can give me right now. I don't want her to worry about me- but that's what mothers do and I know she will. She was able to tell me that she was happy that I was taking that step of asking for help and seeing a doctor. I know she's concerned about Logan- she asked me if I was able to care for him. My answer was that, on my bad days, I could do the minimal. But I don't want to do the minimal- because, as I told her, he deserves more than that. He needs a mother that is fully there for him, the way she has always been there for me.

Some of the biggest hurdles in my life have been overcoming the need for perfection. I beat myself up over the smallest things for that sole reason. And what has wanting to be perfect even done for me? It's set me up to feel like a failure. I mentioned to my mom how I feel like people are just waiting for me to fail at motherhood. Since I am young, I constantly feel people's eyes digging into my back, watching for any reason to judge me. Some of my insecurities have stemmed from my sister, who has called me out on small things, but it is a great deal more. I've started to judge myself for the small imperfections and feel like I am, and never will be, good enough.

I am hopeful that I will be better off after my doctor visit on Monday. I'm anxious, still restless, and I know it's taking its toll on me. I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole and finding it hard to dig out.

The beginning

I've been thinking for awhile how I've wanted to start a blog, and I feel that now I'm in the place where I not only want to get my thoughts out in words, but need to. It's interesting- as I was sitting here setting up the blog I was thinking of what to name it. I couldn't come up with anything, until I remembered some of my biggest reasons for needing to put thoughts into words. Last night I was reading my son Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney, and I had remembered the final words of the book.

"I love you right up to the moon- and back."

It resonated in my mind for hours last night, and I was so restless that I couldn't find sleep easily. I just kept thinking of how that exact thought has begun to consume my life and how the phrase "right up to the moon- and back" is a good description of where I am emotionally.

I finally was just able to admit to my husband the struggles that I am facing once again. In high school, I was diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa and Depression. My whole senior year was a battle within my head and a path to recovery. From individual therapy and psychiatrist visits to outpatient group care at one of Philadelphia's eating disorder treatment centers to sessions with a nutritionist, I did it all. And I thought I had said goodbye to it all. But here I am again, 7 months after giving birth to my first baby, and all I can feel is some of those old feelings, and new ones that I have never been so afraid to experience. I decided this blog would be a way for me to help work through some of the triumphs and struggles that I experience in my life and hopefully share my story with others who experience similar ones. Or to just share my story with people who care- the ones who are there for me everyday, constantly giving me the support and smiles I need. To all of you, I want to say thank you for everything you do. You give me strength.