Better off

This morning, as I walked out my door to go to work, I had a feeling of sadness. As I handed Logan off to our nanny, I couldn't help but think the words in my head- "he's better off with her." The way she is with him is amazing. I'm content that choosing a nanny for him ended up being a good choice, but it also makes me hurt a little seeing how happy he is with her. Is he that happy with me? Am I giving him as much as she gives him? Do I have the patience, the instincts, the touch that she has? Even the dog, who used to follow me around the house has become attached to her. I need the day to come where I know I am the best thing for my little ones, but I have a feeling it's distant. Right now, I feel toxic.

I had a conversation with my mom this evening that addressed some of what I've been battling the past couple months. I think she was caught off guard and surprised that I have been struggling once again. She had a lot of questions, and even though she wanted to make it better, I had to let her know it's time for help- more help than she can give me right now. I don't want her to worry about me- but that's what mothers do and I know she will. She was able to tell me that she was happy that I was taking that step of asking for help and seeing a doctor. I know she's concerned about Logan- she asked me if I was able to care for him. My answer was that, on my bad days, I could do the minimal. But I don't want to do the minimal- because, as I told her, he deserves more than that. He needs a mother that is fully there for him, the way she has always been there for me.

Some of the biggest hurdles in my life have been overcoming the need for perfection. I beat myself up over the smallest things for that sole reason. And what has wanting to be perfect even done for me? It's set me up to feel like a failure. I mentioned to my mom how I feel like people are just waiting for me to fail at motherhood. Since I am young, I constantly feel people's eyes digging into my back, watching for any reason to judge me. Some of my insecurities have stemmed from my sister, who has called me out on small things, but it is a great deal more. I've started to judge myself for the small imperfections and feel like I am, and never will be, good enough.

I am hopeful that I will be better off after my doctor visit on Monday. I'm anxious, still restless, and I know it's taking its toll on me. I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole and finding it hard to dig out.