Time ticking

I realize I haven't updated in 4 1/2 months now. I'm not really sure where that time has gone. My last update, I hadn't even found out if we were having a boy or girl, and now I'm 35 1/2 weeks along (with another baby boy, of course :P ) I made it without John for the couple months we were staying with my mom and dad, and I've been doing pretty well. Our move to Georgia went just fine and we are settled here. Even with the days mostly being over 95 degrees, I've felt great. I thank myself for all the work I did to get in shape before getting pregnant again, but my body is definitely turning on me now. It's craving that time, when I was fit and healthy, and would do anything to have it back. This baby needs to come on the earlier side!

Life as a stay at home mom seems to suit me now. I know I really struggled with it right after Logan was born, but having a toddler around to talk to and teach and giggle with is a much better atmosphere than staring at the walls, alone, minus the sound of a ravenous newborn whom you can't ever satisfy. I think it will be a lot different this time, because I will have Logan to keep me company. He's more active than ever, so I'm going to do all that I can to keep his life as normal as possible- which will mean a lot of baby-wearing so that we can do all of our regular activities. I also know Logan will be an awesome big brother and helper. He's already doing a great job helping to clean up toys and throw out trash when needed. I see him getting me diapers, helping to turn on the swing. He's so interested and curious about everything too, so I know he'll want to know everything the baby is doing. He's been giving me lots of belly kisses and hugs, and I know he has more for when baby is actually here. My big boy is so grown up! I'm sure he will struggle a bit- Nellie and baby Beth came for a visit this past weekend, and he was a little territorial with his toys even though he was intrigued by Beth. I think he knew he wasn't the baby while she was here, so he gave us a little preview of what's to come when Emmett is born. Regardless, he's a good boy and I'm sure will adjust.

I've been having a little anxiety over the birth and what we're going to do with Logan and Dexter while I'm in labor. I really worry that something will happen in the middle of the night and that we'll totally have to disrupt Logan's sleep schedule, along with those of some of the friends we've made who have agreed to be our helpers. I don't want to take advantage of new friends, but they're really all we have nearby that we can count on unless for some reason I have to be induced and can plan to have someone be here. I worry how Logan will handle being away from us for the time I'm in labor, which if is anything like the first time, could be a whopping 22 hours. He does great with them though, and I'm grateful he does get attached to people and is such an easy-going kid. It's still hard thinking about being away from him though. With all the new aches and pains I'm experiencing, especially in my back, I'm having flashbacks to the labor experience I had with Logan and am dreading it, even though I'm more than ready to be done with pregnancy. I'm not sure I can have a harder labor than I had with Logan, but it still plagues me daily.

I think after the baby is born, I will want to go back to work, but somehow I don't think I'll be as lucky as I was in Virginia in finding the perfect part-time opportunity. I've interviewed for a couple jobs back in April/May, but was denied both. I know I'm starting to get stale since I haven't worked since March, and the fact that I won't be working until at least January doesn't help. John constantly tells me that I need to stay fresh in my field, but it's hard for me to even find the motivation to do it when I have so much happening right now and feel that I don't really love what I do. I'd really like to make a transition into Account Management for a digital agency, but those opportunities down here where we're living are extremely rare. If anything, I'd maybe be able to find something in Columbia, SC, but it's a 75-minute commute at least, and it would most likely be full-time. I'm not sure I could handle being away from my boys that much! So there it is. Do I just make the decision to be a stay at home mom forever? Or do I try to find something else I would enjoy? When I think about the things I might like to do, they just seem unattainable, expensive, inconvenient, and a myriad of other negatives... am I being too negative? John thinks I should just continue with user experience, but finding a job working from home doing that is very unlikely too since most companies need someone on site, and there's just nothing in that field around here. I guess he thinks I'm just coming up with excuses not to study up on new technologies and whatnot, but I feel like I'm being realistic. It's a constant argument.

Other than that, John and I are doing well. We are getting used to our new life here. I feel comfortable expressing my concerns and fears about the new baby to him and we talk through them and he always makes me feel better. I'm sort of mourning the loss of the time that I have alone with Logan right now, realizing that it will only be the two of us for so much longer. It makes me a little sad. I hear from other moms that seeing the relationship develop between your kids is a really amazing and powerful thing, and I'm looking forward to that part, especially since it will be 2 boys, brothers. But part of me knows that my relationship with Logan is going to change drastically in a month. It's a hard concept to swallow. He's my buddy, and he'll always be my baby. I get nervous thinking that John won't want to spend much time with a newborn also, since Logan is so much more fun to be around and play with. I know John isn't crazy about babies- he'd much rather they come out walking and talking and somewhat self-sufficient. But it's not the way it works... so I told him about the fear I have of him spending all his time outside work with Logan, but he's assured me we'll find a good balance so that I get time with just Logan also.

So that's "what's up." I'm sure the next time I write, I'll be drowning myself in complaints about how uncomfortable I am, waiting for this baby to make his entrance. I will try to do better about checking in for sure!

So here we are

2 months later, and I'm finally back for an update. Things have been BUSY, and that's an understatement. With our Disney cruise trip and moving, it's only recently settled down to where I have the time to breathe.

The cruise was great! It was so nice to have the family time together, and it was a lot of fun telling everyone about the baby right before we left. We had a picture taken with Mickey right before getting on the ship, and I wore my "baby on board" shirt and announced it that way. I started feeling really good right around the time we left. Up until then, I was green, green, green. All DAY sickness was a more descriptive term. But since about 9 weeks, I've felt really good. I have a lot of pictures from the trip posted on facebook. Logan was amazing as always and it was so much fun to see his little smiling face with all the characters. I will say that we won't ever take a cruise with a child under 3 again. It's just too limiting since they have to be 3 to go on most excursions and to go in the pools on the ship. It was still fun though.

A week after the cruise, I ran the half marathon at 11 weeks pregnant. It was a FABULOUS day in the city! Sunny and about 65 degrees. I couldn't have asked for more perfect weather! I told myself I would take it easy and just do what I can since I had sort of slacked on training since December, but I ended up running non-stop until we got to the 11-mile marker. So I consider that a victory. The most I ran at once was 7 miles in December during our 15K, but I felt great this time and felt like I just wanted to keep going. I walked on and off through mile 12, and then ran to the finish after that. We finished in about 3 hours, so we were running VERY slow, but the point is that I kept running and felt great.

I wish I could say that I kept up with running the past month since the race. I've only gone running a few times for only 3 mile runs. I've just been achy and so very tired that it's been pushed to the back-burner. It sort of makes me sad since I worked so hard to become an actual runner, but I know I'll get it back. Even recently, I've had some trouble with my neck and hip, and my migraines have intensified, so I've pushed working out aside. I did go for a 3 mile walk yesterday with Logan though and I know that's something I can continue a few times a week. Of course I can still run when I'm up to it, but I don't want to push myself.

So even after I found out I was pregnant, I lost 7.5 more lbs that got me to my Weight Watchers goal. I hit GOAL! It was the day we left for the cruise and I worked pretty hard to get there that week since the deal with John was that I would be at my goal before leaving for the cruise. Of course that was before we found out I was pregnant, but he wasn't budging on it. Here comes the bad news. On the cruise I gained a good 6 lbs in 7 days. 6 lbs. Ugh. and I've even gained another 7-8 lbs since coming back from the cruise. So in 6 weeks, I've gained 14 lbs. I know I'm pregnant and I shouldn't be worrying too much, but holy moly. If I keep that up, I'll gain 80 lbs back and be a blimp! Easter didn't help with all the goodies, and I've just been a bottomless pit, but I think I'm finally getting the control back. I'm making better choices with portions and eating lots of fruit, so I think that will slow it way down. If I can go a month without gaining anything more, I think I'll be happy. Of course, not exercising didn't really help me out any, so now with adding that in, I should be in good shape. I still have to remember that I'm 20 lbs less than I was when I got pregnant with Logan, so I'm still better off, but I wanted to gain minimally this time so that it would be easy for me to get the weight off after I have the baby.

Anyway, enough about that. Other than feeling a bit guilty about gaining so much and not exercising, I've been doing ok. We moved out of VA the end of March and Logan and I are staying with my parents until the end of June. John went to his school in Pensacola and finishes June 1st (Logan's birthday!) It's been an adjustment, but I think everyone is doing great. Logan has been fairly well-behaved, and I'm just trying to get used to being a stay-at-home mom. I interviewed for a contract job in PA last week, but I was not offered the position, and it was sort of my last resort. It would have been working with my old boss from G2 (where I worked when I graduated from CMU), so it would have been great getting that experience with someone so knowledgeable, but it is what it is. I'm trying to find the good in staying home with my sweet little boy and doing what I can to boost the job search for Georgia. We're just trying to find things to do to keep ourselves busy. I found a storytime at Barnes and Noble every week and I've made plans to do things in the area with my sister and her kids. I'm trying to help out at my parents house a lot too so they don't see us as a burden. I think they love having Logan greet them when they come home from work. I know they'll miss us when we move and this is their time to really cherish with him while he's really little.

May 10-15 we're going to visit John in Pensacola. Logan really misses daddy, but he's handling it well. It'll be rough traveling with a toddler, but we'll make it! I found out from my temporary OB office that I'll have my anatomy ultrasound the week we go to Pensacola, so I'll have the tech not tell me the sex of the baby and just write it down in a sealed envelope for John and I to open together in Florida. That's what I did when I was pregnant with Logan while John was deployed- I knew I was seeing him for a port call and scheduled an early elective ultrasound so that we could find out the sex together in Spain. It was great! So since he won't be around again for my big ultrasound, this is the second best way to keep him included.

So that brings me to now. A LOT has been going on obviously. There's been a lot of craziness, but we're surviving. There's been ups and downs, but I would say overall things are going well. I miss all my old friends in VA and am feeling a little lonely, but I need to perk up and make some plans with friends and get some time for myself too. My sister is more than willing to help watch Logan a couple hours here and there since I've helped her out with her kids since we've been here. I think I'm due for my first prenatal massage this pregnancy!

<3

A Valentine Surprise

Could it be pink? Could it be blue?

We have some news to share with you.

It's true that come 10.6.12 there'll be

Another lovebug in our family!

With happy hearts we announce

Baby Stuckling Part II

We found out on January 29th that we'll be expecting our 2nd little stuckling in October. My first thoughts? Shocking. I know I had mentioned I was wanting another one, but it actually coming true was a major shock. I had only been off birth control since early December, so it was really unexpected. But it happened, so I guess God thought we were ready for it. We're scared since there is so much change coming up, but we are so EXCITED! AHHHH! Ok, freakout over.

We're going to keep it on the down-low for another few weeks. I have had beta blood tests done to make sure things are going ok. I had a little bit of bleeding before I took the HPT, which I had mistaken for my period. But like with Logan, I had a 2-day long period and then it was gone. I knew that Sunday morning that I was pregnant. Talk about deja vu. The doctors have been cautious just because of the bleeding, but I had an early ultrasound on Monday and everything is on track. My OB saw a little bit of blood still in there and wants to do another ultrasound next week to check up again, but he's optimistic that everything will be fine.

So that's the story. I made these giant heart shaped cookies with the little Valentine poem attached to them last week and mailed them to my parents, John's sister, and Nellie to announce to our immediate families and closest relatives. My parents shared the news with my grandparents too and a couple other family members. I couldn't say anything on here until Nellie got hers, since her package arrived late and she didn't get it until today.

We'll probably make the bigger announcement to everyone when we go on our cruise. I have a special plan for announcing it then :) We'll have at least 1 more, maybe 2, ultrasounds by then and know that everything is going well.

I've been extremely tired and nauseous. I remember it being like this in the beginning with Logan, but this is a whole new level. I'm green all day long! I finally got myself some ginger ale and jolly ranchers today and they were like magic. I remembered from when I was pregnant before that they work wonders for morning sickness. Other than that, I'm doing ok.

So how does this change my weight loss and fitness goals? It doesn't. I will still hit my WW goal. I'm 2 lbs away, and my doctor ok'ed me sticking with it until the end of my 1st trimester, or until I'm showing. There's no harm in losing a couple more lbs as long as I'm getting proper nutrition and am not depriving myself at all. I actually lost 3.4 lbs the week after my positive HPT. I hadn't really changed anything I was doing- I think my body is just working extra hard cooking up a baby :) As for fitness, I plan to keep running and keep up with zumba. I like doing those things, and I've become fit enough that I do not want to throw it away. I plan on having a really healthy pregnancy and gaining minimal weight (under 20 lbs.) I've worked really hard to get to where I am and want to maintain my lifestyle and give the baby the best I can. I'm already 30 lbs less than I was when I got pregnant with Logan, so I know I'm starting off in a good spot.

So even though looking at food makes me want to toss my cookies right now, I'm doing my best to still get healthy food in me. I was pretty impressed with myself for still cooking a great dinner for Logan and I tonight even though I've been feeling like poo and John is away on business this week. It makes for a very tired mama chasing after a toddler while trying to hold down the rest of the fort. I can do it though, and I'll be fine!

Smiles. Many smiles. Fingers crossed that they're here to stay!

Blown into flame again

“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light.”
― Albert Schweitzer

I'm going to try to explain it...

Somewhere in the last few moths, my flame again went out. However, like it did long ago, it was blown back into a flame. I've started thinking about myself and what I value about my life and what I bring to other peoples' lives, and I've realized that it's the best way to describe me. Sometimes I am a flame, glowing strong and proud. Other times, I flicker when the wind blows. And sometimes, when that wind gets strong enough, my light goes out, and I live in darkness for awhile. But I know there will always be someone in my life to rekindle my heart and my spirit and make me glow once again. To each and every one of you who read my blog, you are those people, and one in specific (you know who you are). I can't thank you enough.

I'm writing this because something happened to me this last weekend and I had a breakthrough. I can't really explain it, but I just have an overwhelming sense of happiness with how things are. In the midst of what's to come with moving out of our home and rearranging Logan's whole life, I still felt really happy about where we're going.

I think it was Laura... We finally got word from her that she will be unable to come with us. It was heartbreaking, but I know she needs to do what's best for her and her family. However, even being in a heartbreaking situation, where in any normal circumstance my light would be blown out, I kept steady and strong. For one of the first times in awhile, I dealt with my feelings, and I cried it out. And it felt good to have that kind of release- to acknowledge how much I care for her and want the best for her in her life. She's amazing with Logan, and she will be irreplaceable, but I'm still so greatful for the things she's done for us. I'm not sure I would have made it through this last year without her. She kept me on track, she kept me balanced, and she taught me things I never would have known about parenting. Her family is so lucky to have her, and I feel lucky to have had her and to have known her. That doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt, but I feel like she's given me the tools to do the best job I can do. She really helped bring me back to life when I was in such a hard place last year.

I also found out last week that after we move to GA, it's unlikely that I can keep my job. They will allow me to work from home and come in if needed while we are staying with my parents in PA, but in GA, I'll just be too far and they need someone to be closer to the projects I work on. Now, they do have some potential work coming down the pipe for the CDC in Atlanta, which would be awesome, but it's a big "if." Right now the one girl at work is traveling down there once a week, and she hates flying. It would be perfect for me to work from home on that project and go in once a week to Atlanta to meet with folks and gather info I need. We'll have to wait until June to see if that would be possible, but in the meantime, it's time to build up my job searching efforts.

So there it is. A LOT on my plate, yet I'm still glowing strong (pun intended) :) I think in the past I have had a good sense of when I will flicker, and I don't see that coming down the line. It's a really good place to be in with all this change, a place I haven't been in before when change happens all at once. That's a REALLY good thing.

Whirlwind

It's been a long time since I've been on here. I guess it's just been really difficult getting back into the swing of things since the holidays. I've been mostly happy, so I haven't had too much to write about.

Except the change in my diagnosis. Apparently my doctor meant to say in the letter that I received that I did NOT have Celiacs Disease. I don't really know how they could let such a huge mistake go out the door like that. HUGE mistake. I just didn't even know what to say to him. When I had found out I had it, everything made sense. All the unknowns suddenly seemed to be known and I had an answer to things. Now I'm just back to square one. My reflux and gastritis could still be causing some of the discomfort, but I really feel like it's more than that. Last week I had an ultrasound of my liver since my liver enzymes were high early December, but the tech had told me there was nothing to worry about. My doctor will go into the results with me in depth later. I just need to know what's wrong with me- I'm not making this up and I just need to know what to do to get better.

Even though I don't have CD, I'm still mostly trying to eat gluten free since anyone can benefit from the diet. I have seen an improvement in my symptoms. I also saw the neurologist and he suspects that I have stress migraines, so he gave me samples for a medication to take at the onset. I have taken it once, and it did work, so he said that if I did respond to the medication, then that's the diagnosis he would give me. My family doctor wanted to know what happened with my neurologist appointment to see if it would affect her observations of my sinusitis, but I suspect the two things are unrelated. I am on my 2nd antibiotic in 6 weeks, and even though I'm not finished it yet, I feel like I'm getting sick again. I'm so sick of being sick, I can't even tell you. I just want to be healthy, and I feel like I live a healthy lifestyle and shouldn't be held back from it anymore.

It's no small secret that I want another baby these days. I still would love for Logan and #2 to be 3 years apart, but I also like the idea of having a late September/October baby, which would happen if I were to get pregnant right now. I think about it a lot- about what his/her name would be, how I would decorate the nursery in our new house, etc. I guess it will happen when God thinks I'm ready for it. Hopefully at that time, John and I will be ready for it too.

John and I have been doing super lately. I'm actually really happy with how we've been moving forward and how things are at home. I feel like we're in a great place right now, and that we're working out the small kinks that have been around in the past. It's a good place to be, and I hope we stay there for a long time! All without therapy, which I think is still a good thing to do, but it might not be possible until after we move.

The orders are in, and we're moving to Georgia in June. John will have to go to Pensacola for 2 months in April for training, so Logan, Dexter, and I will be going to my parents' for that time and then move to Georgia in the summer. It will be really difficult not having John around for that time, when Logan turns 2, and I know Logan will really feel the pain of him not being around for such a long time. But that's the military life. We'll do all we can to help him adjust and keep him busy. I'm trying to see if I can keep my job and work from afar, and I have a meeting with some higher powers on Wednesday to talk about my options. I'm really hoping it goes well. Working at home would be fantastic. It really is an ideal job- I get to be a half working mom, half stay at home mom and I couldn't ask for a better balance. It KEEPS me balanced and I would hate to give it up! If I can keep working, we'll probably see if Logan can go to my sisters' in the morning on the days I work and then I would just pick him up, give him lunch, and put him down for his nap in the afternoons while I finish working. Once we move, if Laura doesn't come with us, we'll do the same routine, but probably with a home daycare if we can find a good one.

Laura. Where do I begin? She is simply amazing. We want her to come with us, but it's a large request to make, and we know she has some family issues that she might need to stay local for. She has done SO much for this family, and we want her to continue on with us, but it just might not be in the cards. Logan would be nowhere near as advanced as he is without her instruction, and I really have no idea what we'll do without her. Sure, we can teach him and work with him ourselves, but I know he would really miss her. We'll just have to wait a little longer and see.

And with that, Logan is thriving. He is so smart and he fascinates me every day. He knows his whole alphabet, except for the letter W. He knows numbers from 1-10. He knows his shapes, he knows his colors. He has an extensive vocabulary for his age, and he's putting words together. He's like a little person and it's so much fun watching him learn more and more. He's a sweetheart- so sensitive and passionate. His laugh is contagious, and just watching him laugh stops my heart in its tracks. Why wouldn't I want a second one of these little guys?!?! I'd be crazy not to.

Where do I go from here?

A few days ago, I got answers, and not good ones. I'm just trying to deal with it right now, but I have so many questions still. I had a few procedures done the middle of December, and my fear became a reality. I was diagnosed with Celiacs Disease. Not only was I diagnosed with something so life-altering, but I also was told that I have gastritis, polyps with benign tissue, and inflammation in my esophagus. In other words, my body is in distress.

I know Celiacs Disease isn't related, but I wonder about the other stuff. Did I do it to myself? With years of making myself so sick? I don't meet with my doctor for another week for a follow-up, so I have some time before I really get to discuss everything in depth with him, but my head is spinning.

Even though having CD is horribly inconvenient, and even more challenging to do being a vegetarian, I know it will probably make me a healthier person eating a gluten-free diet. I'm sort of thinking it as a new obsession- to make sure everything is gluten free by checking labels, constantly looking up reference information online about it, and making sure I stock my cabinets with gluten free options for me. I feel like if I begin to obsess about that rather than weight loss, I'll find a way to let go of my other unhealthy obsessions and focus my energy on making positive changes. If I do that, I think the other stuff will fall into place.

I had made a neurologist appointment for mid January, but I've been headache-less for 3 weeks! I'm really happy about that, and I think it's because I have mostly been gluten free for the past 2 weeks. It makes me feel like I really am getting better, and that changing my diet will be so beneficial to my health. Anything I read online or hear from a health professional will tell me the same, but it's different when you can actually see the benefits working. So since I'm getting my CD under control, I don't think it's necessary to go to the neurologist right now.

Therapy... where to begin. The place I called still hasn't called me back. So I guess I really need to contact them. I've been through a lot and I really need to find a healthy place to work through everything with someone who can help. Even some of the issues John and I have had we both have decided we are ready to talk about together in therapy, which I happy about. I'm glad he's willing to go and work on those things with me so we can have a healthier relationship. Not that it's incredibly unhealthy, but I know we're both not terribly happy, and it will be so much better for us to get to that happy place.

Somewhere between the holidays and all the traveling, I got sick again. Logan has had an awful cough and I think I started feeling crappy after he did. I was hoping I could dodge this one, but I guess it will take some more time before my overall health improves and I can build up my immune system again.

Christmas this year was a little.... off. Spending it in Austin wasn't my preference, but I went along with it because John had spent the last several years with my family for Christmas, so it was time. It was nice seeing everyone, but it didn't end well, and we packed our bags and changed our flights to leave a couple days early. I will say that the trip did help John and I get through a tough time, and maybe even brought us a little closer to each other. Some things just make you realize what's important and talking about some of the things that went wrong made us value the things we have. We both just wanted more than anything to be home, to be in a comfortable place, and to just go back to our lives. We're talking about having John's family visit for Thanksgiving next year though, which will be a lot easier on everyone I think. We'll see.

It is nice being home. Even after getting back from Austin, we stayed at my parents' house for another day and a half, but I was ready to come back and just erase away all the bad things I experience this month, and even this year. With the new year upon us, I'm ready to say goodbye and welcome in the future. I'm seeing a healthier, happier me, and I like it. I just want to know where to go to make sure I don't fall down again.

I need a silent night

I need a silent night, a holy night

To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise

I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here

To end this crazy day with a silent night

I heard this song the other day, the Amy Grant song, and it brought the tears rolling down. I can't explain how much I long for exactly this. I'm trying to draw some strength from faith, faith that I can find some withstanding inner peace. It's a struggle...

I feel like I have had this little person in my head screaming out for quite a long time. November has come and gone, so why hasn't it stopped? I know the answer. It's because it's not really the month of November that is the problem. Changing months won't magically stop the noise in my head. I have to find my own ways to bring myself peace.

I did call a bunch of therapists since my last post. I found it pretty interesting that none of the female providers in a 10 mile radius that accept my insurance are taking new patients. Excuse me, but... what??? Is all of Fairfax taking crazy pills? That doesn't give me much hope. However, I did call a practice in Manassas that might be able to take me. A bit of a drive, but worth it to get the help I need if I find someone I like.

I'm really sick of seeing doctors. I'm not really looking forward to adding another to the list, but I have to take care of myself. I saw my gastroenterologist on Monday, so there's another check in the box. I actually liked him a lot- he was really interested in my condition and wants to do a couple of procedures next week. Unfortunately, I will have to fast for almost 48 hours before going into the hospital for the procedures. It's not going to be pleasant, but hopefully they can figure out what the problem is with my tummy issues. The fasting part makes me nervous. I know I'm going to like seeing the number on the scale after that. That worries me a little. I shouldn't be happy seeing low numbers after having to starve for almost 2 days, but I guess that's the "sick" side of my eating disorder mind talking. In the mind of someone with disordered eating behaviors, it doesn't matter how those numbers come up. It just matters that they do.

I can find some joy in little things. John and I ran our first 15K last weekend. It was hard, but we made it at least. If you asked me a year ago if I thought I would ever be able to do that, you would have heard me laugh. I never thought I would be a "runner", but here I am, running these long races and feeling good about my fitness strides.

It's also really fun to see Logan developing so rapidly. He knows all of his colors, a few letters (S, M, and Y), and tons of animals. When we ask him where his body parts are, he points to them. When we ask him to do something, he does it. It happened so fast- seems like overnight. But he can actually understand us. Some of his responses to things are really silly, and seeing his silly face is sometimes the only thing in the world that I want to look at.

I've been trying to make more strides in my professional life too. John has been very open in telling me that I need to do more to develop myself in my career. Since I only work 15 hours a week and am getting older, I'm not as fresh as others in the field who work full weeks and do extra training on top of that. His main point is that to be competitive, I need to start researching new technologies and making sure I allow myself professional development time. I've been resistant to it, because I just don't see an urgency and I don't love what I do. I'm not entertained, I'm not challenged, so I'm taking John's advice and trying to find something I do like and challenge myself with it. I decided I needed a creative outlet, and that writing children's books would be the perfect thing for me. I ordered a book on writing them and have really enjoyed what I've read so far. It's so interesting, and it's actually very closely connected with user experience. Eventually, it would be really cool to write interactive e-books for kids. I could really use my background for that, too. I mean, children's e-books have to be user-friendly too, right? I'm pretty excited about this new venture, but I'm still having trouble finding the time to devote to it. In my down time, I usually like to just watch a couple of the shows that are on that I watch regularly or exercise, so I need to find a good balance between vegging out and being productive.

Finding a good balance, eh? Story of my life. Balancing the noise with the peace. Balancing work life with home life. Balancing my eating disordered brain with wanting to be healthy. It's all just a balancing act.

Speaking of balance, I went to bikram yoga last night for the first time in over a month. Since I've been so sick, I haven't been able to go. I also put it off because it's extremely hard. Last night, it felt really great though. I feel so rejuvenized, and like maybe I did get a bit of a silent night. I just really need the feeling to last and to keep carrying me through those noisy times.

Hopefully, I can get it to do just that.