I did it

Well, I made the call. There was a lapse between the time it took to get in touch with the Medical Director and book an actual appointment, but I did it, and I'll be seeing my new psychiatrist the end of April. It's sort of far away, but it gives me a date in my head at least. I feel better after finally setting that up. I didn't think I would, mainly because I feel like I literally am crazy and having to be evaluated sort of makes me cringe. But I need to make sure I am on the right medications moving forward and keep everything sorted out. Hopefully my psychiatrist will be able to set me up with a good therapist too.

Things have been much better at home since the "throwdown." I think John feels better that we were able to talk about everything openly, and we're doing what we can to move on. This week has flown by pretty quickly, but I feel like there is peace between us. I'm happy that we're spending even more time together, too. He's been more willing to just sit with me, and I feel good that he's not running away from me like he seemed to be before.

This weekend I am heading to my parents' with Logan, and John is going to stay here with Dexter. I think it'll be good to have a little break from each other. Since we're going to my parents' for Easter the end of April, I didn't want to force John to have to go twice, and he's not really into birthday parties anyway, so I thought I would just go alone and he can stay and get some things done around the house and do a little studying for a certification he has to get.

I feel like I don't talk about Logan much. John and I were talking last night about how good of a baby he is. He really is so well-behaved and such a sweetheart. Lately, he'll crawl around on the floor up to me, stand up, and reach for hugs. It melts my heart. We even took him with us to the city when we had to go on base to get our taxes done, and he was so good the entire time. I know all parents must think this, but I feel like we really have the best baby. We're starting to see his personality come out more and more, and it's a lot of fun. He loves to read books and is addicted to Baby Einstein. He loves learning and exploring his world, just like his daddy. His new favorite thing is standing up holding onto the potty. I don't know what it is about the toilet, but kids are fascinated. I guess he'll start trying to flush it next. He's doing great with his motor skills- he can crawl, stand up, sit down, cruise, climb stairs, pinch food in his fingers, drink out of a sippy cup, and he's starting to learn to do High-5s and wave hi/bye. My smart little guy. We're just waiting for him to say some actual words since all he does now is speak gibberish.

So despite my lows, I guess I still was able to do it- I still was able to continue raising such a great little boy. I know John and I are capable of keeping it up together, and as I get better and better, it will only get easier.

Throwdown

In the urban dictionary, "throwdown" means " to attack, to fight." Boy, was I attacked. Not in the best of ways, but in a way that has me seeing a little more clearly. I'm not really sure what brought it on, but I guess it sort of started with a conversation John and I were having about my mother in law. It just spun itself into this mess of harshness towards me. I know John and I have not been happy, but it hurt to hear him tell me how he's been losing respect for me. His claim is that I do not educate myself on things that matter, but then always complain when he does educate himself on those things and then makes certain decisions. Mainly I'm talking about money matters, and I'll be the first to admit I don't know much about money. I admit I've brought up concerns about money that are somewhat unfounded, but he thinks I'm extremely negative. I don't really see myself that way. But when my husband does constantly hear "I can't" and "I won't" or "I'm not comfortable", I know there's something I need to change. He needs reasons for my anxiety. He even suggested for me to write down all of my concerns for anything that gives me anxiety, and we can go through each of them together and he can show me all the information he has on why I don't need to be concerned. I think this is his plea for letting me in to help me solve my problems.

He told me that my inability to solve my own problems is what bothers him- that I'm always waiting for someone else to solve them for me or to take a pill to solve them. His point is that it's either laziness on my part to not do the work myself, or that I'm just an idiot, which he knows I'm not. So then he's left to go with lazy. I don't want him to see me as lazy. Because I work hard. I go to work, I deal with the baby all the time, and keep a clean house. I'm exhausted, and I don't get much help at home, only with the baby. I'm the one doing the dishes all the time, I'm the one taking out the trash, I'm the one doing the laundry, I'm the one vaccuuming/dusting/scrubbing/organizing/putting crap away. I get NO help with any of that, and even when I make the smallest requests, nothing gets done and I end up doing it myself.

I'm not saying this is an excuse for not solving my problems, but I'm definitely not lazy. However, I see his point- if I want to make educated decisions regarding some of the things that give me anxiety, I have to do the research or let him make the decisions. I acknowledge his claims. I know I need help and need to stop thinking the worst, but that's just how my mind has worked for so long. I immediately start to panic when there's a slight risk or problem with anything. Is that what negativity is? I don't mean to be a downer all the time, but I guess I get so freaked out that I lose sight of what I need to do to calm myself and my fears.

I just want to move on from this, but I'm not sure he can. I feel like I'm responsible for damaging our relationship and I'm starting to hate myself for that. I need him and our happiness back, and I know what I need to do.

The phone is inches away, and it's time to make the appointment. I'm terrified but I need to make this better now.

Climbing the ladder

I feel like things have been better since my last post. The fighting has ceased, which makes for a happier environment at home. The weekend wasn't all that bad- I lost another 2 lbs on the scale on Saturday, so I'm officially down 7 lbs since starting Weight Watchers. I still feel good about that. Granted losing weight doesn't solve the issues John and I have, but it gives me something to focus my energy on.

I took my mom's advice and John and I were able to spend more time together this weekend. We went shopping on Saturday with Logan and hung around together more than usual. He made a really great dinner again on Sunday (veggie enchiladas.) I like to see him do things at home or around the house because I always feel like I'm the one doing that stuff. He also toned down the game-playing, which I appreciate. Last night we worked out together while watching Dancing with the Stars, after Logan went to bed, and it was fun pushing each other and just laughing at the contestants and other things. I've also tried to just have him hold me more often since I feel like that sort of disappeared for awhile. I've been seeing a difference. I think we both are happier. Baby steps, but I think we can get back to where we were.

I made the call on Friday to the counseling center I want to go to. I got some information from them about costs and their process and also got in touch with my insurance to make sure I don't need prior authorization for psychoanalysis, since I would have to start with a psychiatrist upon going to the center. I need to see a psychiatrist anyway since my family doctor prescribed my current medication and I was told that I need someone monitoring me. So I made the first steps, and now I just have to call back and make the appointment. I promised myself that I will do it by the end of the week.

Here's to hoping that I'm going to follow through with my promise.

Falling

Yesterday, I fell. Hard. I had such a great day on Wednesday only to crash Thursday. I can probably attribute it to all the fighting that's been going on at home and my period, plus stress at work. I had some of those awful thoughts come back, which is the first time since I've been on my meds. With the fighting escalating, I know it's time and I'm ready to talk to someone. Something needs to change.

I ended up staying 2 hours late at work yesterday to lead a meeting that my boss was late to, so I was pretty stressed out after that and having to drive an hour and a half before I got home. John made a really good dinner since he got home early from a conference that was over around 2, so at least my nanny wasn't stuck here. After that, I feel like things got ugly. We just keep fighting about stupid things. He hasn't even come to bed any night this week before midnight, always up playing video games. Last night I talked to my mom about the way I've been feeling about the issues in my marriage, and she thinks we just need to talk to each other and spend time together. She's right, but I'm just so angry that I have no desire to talk to him. He's been hurtful and disrespectful. I thought about leaving for the weekend to go to my parents and to see my niece at the ice show, but since the show is late tonight, it wouldn't work out for Logan. So I'm stuck here figuring out how I can get out tonight alone. I have no interest in being home and trying to put on a happy face for the friends he has coming over.

I feel so low right now and just want to hide in bed.

Another good day

I feel like I'm floating. It's hard to say, but I feel like I have a peace inside that I can't explain. I say that it's "hard to say" only because there have been many times where I felt the same way only to find myself back in a pit...

I'm not sure what I attribute this new satisfaction to, but I don't want it to end. I've been keeping up with my diet, and on the scale Saturday I was down 5 lbs. In a week. Talk about taking control! I'm doing well so far this week, but I have a slight feeling that I could do better. I guess it's still that voice inside of me that rears its ugly head every now and again, telling me I need to push harder, go further, move faster.

Maybe my meds are what has been masking that voice. I finally sent the link to my blog to Nellie last week, and she gave me well thought-out feedback on my thoughts. I'm still processing everything that she brought up. I thought it would be a good idea to finally open the blog up to those that I'm particularly close with, and also other people out there in internetland that struggle with both post partum disorders and anxiety/depression in general. I felt like since I was making progress that it was a good time to share, but maybe not. Would it inspire hope that others know I can beat it, and that others who struggle can beat it too? Or is it discouraging for people to see me go up so high and fall so low?

Sometimes I think I'm bipolar- hence the title of my blog "To the moon- and back." Sometimes I feel like I'm flying up so high and everything comes crashing down. Nellie pointed out to me that I've had A LOT of changes in my life the past couple years. I won't deny that. Maybe the constant change, even though they are "happy" events, have caused me to feel like I lost control somewhere along the way. I've really put off seeing someone for a long time. It's now been 2 months since I first saw my doctor about everything, and while I feel good, I know I need to clear my head and seek out that voice that I hate so much to discover why it's been there, face it, and suppress it for good while I'm three steps ahead. I don't know why it's so hard for me to make the phone call, but thinking about it just makes me want to run.

I'm going to keep my feet planted.

Taking control

I feel amazing right now, which is probably why I've been missing lately. What do I really have to complain about? Nothing. I joined Weight Watchers last week and I already feel like it's been a huge booster in my life. I've started exercising, cooking healthy, and eating healthy, and I've never felt more motivated and energized. It's nice to feel like I'm taking back control, and I feel like I'm becoming a better person, too. It really is an awesome feeling. For so long I've felt like a mom, and that's it. Not like an individual, not like a woman who is intelligent, goal-oriented, and strong, and I think that I am starting to get that back. I'm starting to get my LIFE back. It's hard after having a baby to find that motivation to keep yourself fresh. I want to be me, and slowly, I feel like it's back in reach, or maybe even right in front of my eyes. For a long time, I also felt like I was a damaged woman for having a child- that I had no other value than to be a mother, and if I couldn't succeed past perfection at being a mother then I was worthless. What I've realized is taking back control of my life will allow me to give Logan that much better of a life- so that he has a positive role model who is healthy and strong. I can see now how important that part is and how much he deserves it. It feels good.... it feels REALLY good.