Lately, I've been finding myself get into this anticipation of putting the baby down for naps and for bed. I've actually started counting down. 3 hours... 2 hours... 1 hour... 1/2 hour... I started thinking about why, and came to realize that the reason why is that his crib is a safe place. It's where I know he is fully taken care of, whereas during the day, I feel like he never fully is because I can't give him everything he needs. He's been really cranky lately, probably because of his teeth coming through, but it's been wearing on me. I feel like anything I do isn't enough. I think I'll always struggle with the thought that I'm not giving him everything, but I know I'm going to have to learn that what I give him is good. I just want to be a good mommy. John never really tells me that I am. He's only said it maybe twice, but I feel like I need his approval. I need to feel like he approves of me as a mother since I know how important a family is to him.
We have had arguments a lot lately and it comes back to a very big argument we had back in November about me being "lazy." It hurts when he comes down on me so hard, but he is very critical. I think he's a lot more critical than he used to be, and I attribute that to working on the sub. I think it really changed him in that respect and I feel like he's not as warm as he used to be. I love him a lot and, while I know people change, I wish he would just not be so rigid. I just feel worthless sometimes, and I know that's not how people are supposed to feel in a loving marriage. I think we have some work to do.
We had my parents visit last weekend for my birthday, which was nice. My parents always like to make me feel special. My husband refused to even wish me a happy birthday on my actual birthday since he said we already celebrated the day before. Ok... well, thanks. That makes me feel great. He was gone from Monday-Friday at a conference in Florida, so I was alone most of the week. My mom came back on Thursday despite the terrible weather. She stayed until yesterday, so I was glad to have her at the end since it's hard being alone that long. It's times like those that I really wish my mom was closer and I could see my parents more often even though I am grateful that they are at least in driving distance.
I haven't been to work since Monday and am ready to get back tomorrow. We had some pretty awful snow Wednesday that kept me home. Even though I had my mom around for couple days and John helping this weekend while I worked at home, I can't be home with the baby anymore. It's such a hard feeling to explain. He is my world and my complete joy, but also my biggest fear. I just fear messing things up for him so much.
My prescription is running out, and I need to call to set up appointments with new doctors to continue treatment. I just don't want to think about it, but I know it's important. I feel like I'm not ready for it and want to keep fighting it on my own. I have to remind myself why I decided I needed help from the beginning. It's time to change this.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
1 week later
I can't even believe it's been a week since I last updated. That flew! So I've officially been taking my meds for a week, and I'm not sure I feel very much different. I guess I need to give it some time. Time will tell if it's really what will give me the boost I need. But I think I can say that I feel ok. I think it's possible that it has had more of an effect on Logan. I read that Prozac does cause some irritability in infants since it does enter the milk. I am still nursing Logan in the morning and at night before bed, but I'm not sure he's even getting much anymore. It could just be teeth. Whatever the heck it is, it sucks.
The long weekend was nice, but I was definitely ready to go back to work Wednesday. We didn't do anything huge- had some friends over Saturday night for dinner and just hung out a bunch. I sort of got into the habit of having a few drinks, which I know isn't the best for my meds. I figure one drink isn't going to do anything. Tuesday was one of my hardest days in a long time. Logan was particularly difficult- he just wanted to scream the whole day, which could circle back to the teething, but I was ready to throw myself out the window. I called John at 4pm begging him to come home and take Logan from me. He did, and brought ice cream and flowers with him. He knows on days that I call that it's bad. I don't like to admit that I can't handle it, but sometimes I have to. I'm lucky John has been understanding. It was nice having him cook dinner too so I could just unwind from such an awful day.
So as I was saying, Wednesday was necessary for me. I've come to understand that I NEED to work. As hard as it is for me to say, I was never meant to be a stay at home mother. I like having the time away and to feel like I'm contributing to my family in a way independent from raising kids. Having stayed home with Logan for the first 5 months, I do know what it's like and really respect moms that do it. Even on my days off, I see how hard it is. Add anxiety to that and it's a million times worse. I'm not sure how healthy I would be if I continued to be at home all the time. I think in a way, working has saved me.
John was away from Wednesday until today. Logan's been pretty good, so I can't complain too much about having to be alone with him for a few days. But I am looking forward to having John back. Today I had my old nanny over that I had mentioned in my last post. It was nice having her here, and I realized we really do have a few of the same issues. While I know it's hard for any mother to go through, it's sort of nice to be able to have someone to talk about it with and know that I'm not alone in some of the feelings I have. We had a good lunch and good conversation.
My parents are coming tomorrow. It's been a long time since they've been here- I guess Halloween was the last time. I like having my parents around and wish I could see them more. John is going to be away this coming Monday until Saturday, so my mom will come back down Thursday and stay until Saturday so that I'm not alone as long. John is away a lot within the next few weeks, so I'll be happy to have my mom around to help.
I'm actually pretty excited about my birthday. We ordered my cake last weekend and it will be ready tomorrow. Yum! It feels good to have something to be excited about. I also booked my flight to Key West in February. It'll be great to have a break from the cold. It's supposed to be in the single digits tonight, so I am definitely craving the warmth and sun. A family vacation sounds very replenishing.
I feel ok.
The long weekend was nice, but I was definitely ready to go back to work Wednesday. We didn't do anything huge- had some friends over Saturday night for dinner and just hung out a bunch. I sort of got into the habit of having a few drinks, which I know isn't the best for my meds. I figure one drink isn't going to do anything. Tuesday was one of my hardest days in a long time. Logan was particularly difficult- he just wanted to scream the whole day, which could circle back to the teething, but I was ready to throw myself out the window. I called John at 4pm begging him to come home and take Logan from me. He did, and brought ice cream and flowers with him. He knows on days that I call that it's bad. I don't like to admit that I can't handle it, but sometimes I have to. I'm lucky John has been understanding. It was nice having him cook dinner too so I could just unwind from such an awful day.
So as I was saying, Wednesday was necessary for me. I've come to understand that I NEED to work. As hard as it is for me to say, I was never meant to be a stay at home mother. I like having the time away and to feel like I'm contributing to my family in a way independent from raising kids. Having stayed home with Logan for the first 5 months, I do know what it's like and really respect moms that do it. Even on my days off, I see how hard it is. Add anxiety to that and it's a million times worse. I'm not sure how healthy I would be if I continued to be at home all the time. I think in a way, working has saved me.
John was away from Wednesday until today. Logan's been pretty good, so I can't complain too much about having to be alone with him for a few days. But I am looking forward to having John back. Today I had my old nanny over that I had mentioned in my last post. It was nice having her here, and I realized we really do have a few of the same issues. While I know it's hard for any mother to go through, it's sort of nice to be able to have someone to talk about it with and know that I'm not alone in some of the feelings I have. We had a good lunch and good conversation.
My parents are coming tomorrow. It's been a long time since they've been here- I guess Halloween was the last time. I like having my parents around and wish I could see them more. John is going to be away this coming Monday until Saturday, so my mom will come back down Thursday and stay until Saturday so that I'm not alone as long. John is away a lot within the next few weeks, so I'll be happy to have my mom around to help.
I'm actually pretty excited about my birthday. We ordered my cake last weekend and it will be ready tomorrow. Yum! It feels good to have something to be excited about. I also booked my flight to Key West in February. It'll be great to have a break from the cold. It's supposed to be in the single digits tonight, so I am definitely craving the warmth and sun. A family vacation sounds very replenishing.
I feel ok.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Prescription filled
So there we have it. My prescription for Prozac is filled. I've decided I will start taking it tonight. It's time. I can't keep fearing this anymore. Next step- call a psychiatrist and get all the insurance stuff sorted out. I'm sure I'll research the hell out of it, like I always do for everything.
I've had yet more conversations with my mom and John, and I've been able to better understand all of what I'm feeling. I guess that's one of the first steps. I just wonder where all of the obsessive compulsive behaviors I had came from. Even my mom, who I've always joked has OCD, really isn't. She knows what things are important and which are not- which ones to worry about, and which ones she can just brush off her sleeve. I, on the other hand, obsess about everything and anything. Where did I learn that? And why has it consumed me and everything I do?
I got an email from Logan's old nanny, who is about my age and has a daughter of her own, about doing a switch off with the babies so that we each could get some "me" time during the week, and also do a date night where John and I watch her daughter while she and her husband go out, and another night she and her husband watch Logan while we go out. I thought it was a great idea. And then I remembered that if I'm not 100% able to care for my own child on my bad days, then I can't possibly care for hers too. I had to tell her what I've been going through, but that I would be interested in getting together for lunch with the babies to keep in touch. She understood, and actually opened the door for me to vent to her, or call her if I needed to talk. It really means a lot, and I hope that in the future, we will be able to work something out with watching each other's kids. I just know I have a lot of work to do before I get there. It's nice to have someone to lean on in the meantime, someone who has had a baby recently too and can relate to some of the feelings I have.
Somehow I'm really tired tonight, and I think I will be able to fall asleep quickly. I've been struggling for so long with not being able to fall ashleep. Sorting this out in my head is already helping.
I've had yet more conversations with my mom and John, and I've been able to better understand all of what I'm feeling. I guess that's one of the first steps. I just wonder where all of the obsessive compulsive behaviors I had came from. Even my mom, who I've always joked has OCD, really isn't. She knows what things are important and which are not- which ones to worry about, and which ones she can just brush off her sleeve. I, on the other hand, obsess about everything and anything. Where did I learn that? And why has it consumed me and everything I do?
I got an email from Logan's old nanny, who is about my age and has a daughter of her own, about doing a switch off with the babies so that we each could get some "me" time during the week, and also do a date night where John and I watch her daughter while she and her husband go out, and another night she and her husband watch Logan while we go out. I thought it was a great idea. And then I remembered that if I'm not 100% able to care for my own child on my bad days, then I can't possibly care for hers too. I had to tell her what I've been going through, but that I would be interested in getting together for lunch with the babies to keep in touch. She understood, and actually opened the door for me to vent to her, or call her if I needed to talk. It really means a lot, and I hope that in the future, we will be able to work something out with watching each other's kids. I just know I have a lot of work to do before I get there. It's nice to have someone to lean on in the meantime, someone who has had a baby recently too and can relate to some of the feelings I have.
Somehow I'm really tired tonight, and I think I will be able to fall asleep quickly. I've been struggling for so long with not being able to fall ashleep. Sorting this out in my head is already helping.
Monday, January 10, 2011
What if?
I know it's been a few days- wish I could have popped on here to write a bit. Friday I had spent my evening with John. He had a lot of questions for me that I couldn't really answer either. He asked me what my worst thought has been, and I honestly was afraid to even say it out loud. I can't. Saying it out loud would just make me feel more crazy. I told him some of the little things I think on a daily basis, the things that pop into my head whenever I do anything. Like if I am carrying Logan up the stairs, I constantly think that I need to be careful, otherwise I could fall backwards and something awful could happen. Little thoughts like that are what make me think I am going out of my mind. I constantly think about the "what ifs." Sometimes I even have pretty morbid what-ifs run through my mind- and I'm extremely terrified of those ones.
We spent the weekend with friends and family in PA, which was good I guess. I usually like seeing them as much as I can. John always is a huge help when we go to my parents' house too. He changes diapers and feeds Logan most of the time so that I can spend the time I need with my parents or whoever is visiting. Saturday evening my sister came over to have dinner with my parents and us with the kids. I can't help but be hurt and angry by some things that she said about Logan having a bottle. She infuriates me when she gets up on her high horse about Logan having formula. She said something about her kids never having a drop of it and telling my nephew that formula is yucky. My dad heard her, and he even said to her that it was enough and we didn't need to hear anymore. I wanted to tell her to shove the bottle up her ass. But really, it just gave me more fuel for my fire on how I think other people are judging me and waiting for me to fail.
The past couple days have actually been "good" days. I feel like the baby has been extremely cooperative and his smiles help me through everyday. Today was the day for my doctor visit. I explained what I have been feeling and she was very good at just listening and asking minimal questions. I realized today just how much I like my family doctor. She diagnosed me with anxiety- not so much depression- that has been brought on by the different stressers in my life. She asked me about my thoughts on treatment, and also gave me her recommendations. She thought it would be best for me to first see a psychiatrist and find a plan with them along with reaching out to some of the other moms I know in the area, if I was comfortable discussing with them some of the issues I have. She did also write me a prescription in the meantime for Prozac, which I was on 8 years ago if I need it. She said the biggest concern with jumping into medication is that people start on it with no plan to stop it and then struggle returning to life without medication. Her plan would be that I be on medication no longer than 6 months. My prescription is actually only for 30 days, so I would need to see the psychiatrist so that he/she could monitor me. I've given it some thought, along with talking with John about it, and I think I will start the prescription to give me the jump start I need. I'm more afraid of falling deeper into my fears and having a hard time pulling myself out of it, whereas if I have that jump start, I can more easily sort through my issues and get the therapy I need.
What if I can kick this? What if I can go through one day not fearing the unknown? What if I can live my life feeling secure, loved, and content? What if...
We spent the weekend with friends and family in PA, which was good I guess. I usually like seeing them as much as I can. John always is a huge help when we go to my parents' house too. He changes diapers and feeds Logan most of the time so that I can spend the time I need with my parents or whoever is visiting. Saturday evening my sister came over to have dinner with my parents and us with the kids. I can't help but be hurt and angry by some things that she said about Logan having a bottle. She infuriates me when she gets up on her high horse about Logan having formula. She said something about her kids never having a drop of it and telling my nephew that formula is yucky. My dad heard her, and he even said to her that it was enough and we didn't need to hear anymore. I wanted to tell her to shove the bottle up her ass. But really, it just gave me more fuel for my fire on how I think other people are judging me and waiting for me to fail.
The past couple days have actually been "good" days. I feel like the baby has been extremely cooperative and his smiles help me through everyday. Today was the day for my doctor visit. I explained what I have been feeling and she was very good at just listening and asking minimal questions. I realized today just how much I like my family doctor. She diagnosed me with anxiety- not so much depression- that has been brought on by the different stressers in my life. She asked me about my thoughts on treatment, and also gave me her recommendations. She thought it would be best for me to first see a psychiatrist and find a plan with them along with reaching out to some of the other moms I know in the area, if I was comfortable discussing with them some of the issues I have. She did also write me a prescription in the meantime for Prozac, which I was on 8 years ago if I need it. She said the biggest concern with jumping into medication is that people start on it with no plan to stop it and then struggle returning to life without medication. Her plan would be that I be on medication no longer than 6 months. My prescription is actually only for 30 days, so I would need to see the psychiatrist so that he/she could monitor me. I've given it some thought, along with talking with John about it, and I think I will start the prescription to give me the jump start I need. I'm more afraid of falling deeper into my fears and having a hard time pulling myself out of it, whereas if I have that jump start, I can more easily sort through my issues and get the therapy I need.
What if I can kick this? What if I can go through one day not fearing the unknown? What if I can live my life feeling secure, loved, and content? What if...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Better off
This morning, as I walked out my door to go to work, I had a feeling of sadness. As I handed Logan off to our nanny, I couldn't help but think the words in my head- "he's better off with her." The way she is with him is amazing. I'm content that choosing a nanny for him ended up being a good choice, but it also makes me hurt a little seeing how happy he is with her. Is he that happy with me? Am I giving him as much as she gives him? Do I have the patience, the instincts, the touch that she has? Even the dog, who used to follow me around the house has become attached to her. I need the day to come where I know I am the best thing for my little ones, but I have a feeling it's distant. Right now, I feel toxic.
I had a conversation with my mom this evening that addressed some of what I've been battling the past couple months. I think she was caught off guard and surprised that I have been struggling once again. She had a lot of questions, and even though she wanted to make it better, I had to let her know it's time for help- more help than she can give me right now. I don't want her to worry about me- but that's what mothers do and I know she will. She was able to tell me that she was happy that I was taking that step of asking for help and seeing a doctor. I know she's concerned about Logan- she asked me if I was able to care for him. My answer was that, on my bad days, I could do the minimal. But I don't want to do the minimal- because, as I told her, he deserves more than that. He needs a mother that is fully there for him, the way she has always been there for me.
Some of the biggest hurdles in my life have been overcoming the need for perfection. I beat myself up over the smallest things for that sole reason. And what has wanting to be perfect even done for me? It's set me up to feel like a failure. I mentioned to my mom how I feel like people are just waiting for me to fail at motherhood. Since I am young, I constantly feel people's eyes digging into my back, watching for any reason to judge me. Some of my insecurities have stemmed from my sister, who has called me out on small things, but it is a great deal more. I've started to judge myself for the small imperfections and feel like I am, and never will be, good enough.
I am hopeful that I will be better off after my doctor visit on Monday. I'm anxious, still restless, and I know it's taking its toll on me. I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole and finding it hard to dig out.
I had a conversation with my mom this evening that addressed some of what I've been battling the past couple months. I think she was caught off guard and surprised that I have been struggling once again. She had a lot of questions, and even though she wanted to make it better, I had to let her know it's time for help- more help than she can give me right now. I don't want her to worry about me- but that's what mothers do and I know she will. She was able to tell me that she was happy that I was taking that step of asking for help and seeing a doctor. I know she's concerned about Logan- she asked me if I was able to care for him. My answer was that, on my bad days, I could do the minimal. But I don't want to do the minimal- because, as I told her, he deserves more than that. He needs a mother that is fully there for him, the way she has always been there for me.
Some of the biggest hurdles in my life have been overcoming the need for perfection. I beat myself up over the smallest things for that sole reason. And what has wanting to be perfect even done for me? It's set me up to feel like a failure. I mentioned to my mom how I feel like people are just waiting for me to fail at motherhood. Since I am young, I constantly feel people's eyes digging into my back, watching for any reason to judge me. Some of my insecurities have stemmed from my sister, who has called me out on small things, but it is a great deal more. I've started to judge myself for the small imperfections and feel like I am, and never will be, good enough.
I am hopeful that I will be better off after my doctor visit on Monday. I'm anxious, still restless, and I know it's taking its toll on me. I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole and finding it hard to dig out.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The beginning
I've been thinking for awhile how I've wanted to start a blog, and I feel that now I'm in the place where I not only want to get my thoughts out in words, but need to. It's interesting- as I was sitting here setting up the blog I was thinking of what to name it. I couldn't come up with anything, until I remembered some of my biggest reasons for needing to put thoughts into words. Last night I was reading my son Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney, and I had remembered the final words of the book.
"I love you right up to the moon- and back."
It resonated in my mind for hours last night, and I was so restless that I couldn't find sleep easily. I just kept thinking of how that exact thought has begun to consume my life and how the phrase "right up to the moon- and back" is a good description of where I am emotionally.
I finally was just able to admit to my husband the struggles that I am facing once again. In high school, I was diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa and Depression. My whole senior year was a battle within my head and a path to recovery. From individual therapy and psychiatrist visits to outpatient group care at one of Philadelphia's eating disorder treatment centers to sessions with a nutritionist, I did it all. And I thought I had said goodbye to it all. But here I am again, 7 months after giving birth to my first baby, and all I can feel is some of those old feelings, and new ones that I have never been so afraid to experience. I decided this blog would be a way for me to help work through some of the triumphs and struggles that I experience in my life and hopefully share my story with others who experience similar ones. Or to just share my story with people who care- the ones who are there for me everyday, constantly giving me the support and smiles I need. To all of you, I want to say thank you for everything you do. You give me strength.
"I love you right up to the moon- and back."
It resonated in my mind for hours last night, and I was so restless that I couldn't find sleep easily. I just kept thinking of how that exact thought has begun to consume my life and how the phrase "right up to the moon- and back" is a good description of where I am emotionally.
I finally was just able to admit to my husband the struggles that I am facing once again. In high school, I was diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa and Depression. My whole senior year was a battle within my head and a path to recovery. From individual therapy and psychiatrist visits to outpatient group care at one of Philadelphia's eating disorder treatment centers to sessions with a nutritionist, I did it all. And I thought I had said goodbye to it all. But here I am again, 7 months after giving birth to my first baby, and all I can feel is some of those old feelings, and new ones that I have never been so afraid to experience. I decided this blog would be a way for me to help work through some of the triumphs and struggles that I experience in my life and hopefully share my story with others who experience similar ones. Or to just share my story with people who care- the ones who are there for me everyday, constantly giving me the support and smiles I need. To all of you, I want to say thank you for everything you do. You give me strength.
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