More tugs to the dark side

I have an eating disorder. Still. After 15 years, I've realized how much it still haunts me everyday.

I'll start by saying this- I still haven't had another episode from before. I find some satisfaction in that. However, I feel myself being pulled incessantly to the dark side. I was watching a show called Anderson (yes, the one that replaced Oprah) today and they were talking about eating disorders. Now it's been years since I've really read anything or watched any eating disorder specials, but watching it now makes me realize how much of a part of my life my eating disorder still is. And it makes me so angry. I feel like I've moved on, but when I really think about it, it's been there all along. The effort I've put into losing all the weight that I have-weighing myself multiple times a day, exercising like a mad woman, obsessing about the scale, constantly thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth and how many pounds it'll make me gain... it's not normal behavior, and it makes me feel like a child again.

Here's a backstory about the past week that will give some perspective:

Thanksgiving was great to spend with my family- I was very rigid counting the calories of my meal, as I intended to be, and played it safe all weekend, even with eating out. When I got weighed Saturday, I gained 1.8 lbs. I panicked. How could I have gained 1.8 lbs when I was still on track??? Why I was I being punished so badly for indulging slightly with a bite of apple crisp and ice cream? And then more headaches hit me. Later that night (Saturday), I developed a fever and awful cold symptoms. I was sick as a dog and in so much pain from the headaches that John and I considered going in to the ER since my meds weren't working. I held out until Monday, and went to my family doctor. She prescribed me with an antibiotic to treat Sinusitus and referred me to a neurologist to get checked. I also talked to her about the tummy issues I've had for awhile- she listened to all my symptoms and agreed to draw blood and test for Celiacs Disease (Sinusitus, which I have been suffering from for months, is linked to Celiacs and I've had a lot of symptoms of the gluten allergy.) She also referred me to a gastroenterologist to get checked for it. Today I got a call from my doctor's office telling me my bloodwork was normal and that it doesn't indicate I have the disease, so the only thing we can do is continue on with the gastroenterologist. Anyway, through all of this headache/fever/sinus/gastro issues, I've been extremely naseous and have barely been eating. I've already lost 4 lbs and am somewhat celebrating this. If my nausea disappears for awhile and then comes back, I secretly enjoy it because I know I won't want to eat. I know this isn't normal, but I need to be honest about what's going through my head.

Where do I go from here? I'm sure I need therapy, but the fact that we're moving in a few months, and then spending 2 months with my parents, and then going to Georgia isn't the best model for therapy if you're having to change therapists every couple months. It's a bad time for me to realize I'm batshit crazy. I probably should still just see someone now even though we are moving. I'm optimistic that I could make big strides by the time we move if I found someone good. I guess I have another call to make. I don't want to be tugged anymore.

The slow-down

"For fast-acting relief, try slowing down." - Lily Tomlin

I think I know what happened to me. Somewhere along the line, I truly forget to breathe and just slow down myself and everything around me. And that's how I lost control.

I got stressed about losing weight, I got stressed about thinking about having another baby, I got stressed about work, I got stressed about Logan growing too fast. I just couldn't take it anymore. And so I fell. I feel like I fell 30 stories...

I will say that I have not had another binge and purge episode. Positive news. But I've just gone through a few days of some of the worst pain I've ever felt, comparable to childbirth.

Saturday through Monday I endured the worst pain in my head in my whole life, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I did see my doctor and got a prescription that helped, so I am feeling a whole lot better, but I can only wonder if all the recent stressors brought it on.

I took some time off this weekend, off from life, mainly to deal with the pain. John was amazing taking care of the baby and other things around here, so I am very thankful for that. I needed that slow-down like you wouldn't believe. But is medicine the only other way I can deal with this? I'm hoping not. I'm hoping I can learn that taking the time to slow down is important, and that everyone needs that. I guess before I just thought that there is no way I could take that time for myself with everything I have going on. I need to remember that when I don't, things come crashing down pretty hard to the point of incapacitation.

Whatever I do, I can't let it happen again and have to keep my eyes set on my #1 goal- my health. That includes physical and mental. I am within 6 lbs of my Weight Watchers goal, and within 11 lbs of my overall goal. I'm so close, and in the end, I will have lost 87 lbs. It's such an incredible achievement. We're running a 15K (9.3 miles) in a few weeks, and I am really excited to add that to my list of fitness accomplishments. Just one more- the 1/2 marathon- in March and I'll know I did well :)

This hasn't been easy, but nothing in life worth fighting for ever is. I'm fighting to finish this race, but damn, it will feel so amazing in the end.

And then it happened

I thought I had control of this... but I don't. Last night I did something that I haven't done in over 6 years. I binged... and then purged. I'm devastated. And that's really all I can say. Devastated that my willpower flew away from me. Devastated that I wanted to hurt myself and make myself suffer the consequence. Devastated that I'm back there to that place I swore off so many years ago.

Or am I? Does 1 time really set the cycle back in motion? I don't know, and I'm not ready to find out. I'm scared for myself, for my family. How can I make them suffer this again? How can I make myself suffer this again? These questions are filling my head and I don't have the answers to them. I just... am exhausted. Exhausted from fighting this so hard, for so long. Why won't it end?

Years ago, when I pictured my life, I pictured everything that I have. I have everything I've ever wanted and I'm not willing to lose any of it. So why can't I let go of whatever this monster is that's lingering?

I just can't do this again.

Wake me up when November ends

November. Here's my opinion on it- I'd love to just go to sleep and not wake up until December. November seems to be a difficult month for me every year. Last year, I remember how bad things were between John and I, and my heart aches in pain for that time. I wish we could just erase that so I never have to think about it again. This year, I'm falling back into old thoughts and habits. What is it about November that makes everything so gloomy, so menacing? You'd think it'd be a happy time of year- when most people start decorating for Christmas, traveling to see relatives and celebrating Thanksgiving.

I am trying to find joy in the little things. Little baby Beth was born 1 week ago on 10/31 and of course that is a blessing. I can't wait to hold her and see Nellie and my family around Thanksgiving. It'll be really neat to see Logan with the baby too- he's so sweet and loving and will definitely make a great big brother someday. He's getting more sweet everyday. So smart too! He knows what his colors are for the most part, but he can only really say blue ("boo.") He's starting to say a lot more words and I find so much peace in his cute little voice.

This past weekend, I went to a friend's wedding, which of course was beautiful. She had such a nice day and I was really thrilled to have been able to see all the girls (my roommate Brandi, and my suitemate Gina.) Brandi got engaged recently, so she's next since Gina, Amanda, and I are the old married ladies. She's talking about a summer 2013 wedding in London, so I would be thrilled to be able to go to Europe. I really don't want to miss it, and John and I started talking about going. However, we had intended originally on having a mid-2013 2nd child, so I'm not sure how our plans are going to change. We obviously wouldn't be able to go to Europe if I was extremely pregnant or just recently had a little one, so we started talking about when we might plan for #2. And then it came up. Fall of 2012. But that means I'd have to get pregnant in the next few months.... and I'm pretty sure we all know there's no way I'm ready for that. In theory, it sounds great, because then Logan and baby #2 would be about 2 1/2 years apart (3 years apart in school), but I have not gotten myself to where I need to be yet and I know I still won't be ready in 3 months. So that leaves us with waiting another year to start trying again for a later 2013 baby. It seems so far away! But maybe it's what I need. I do want some time to maintain my health and fitness before having to sacrifice my body all over again. And it'd be great to keep pounding away at our debt too so that we'd be in really good shape before the next one is born. Is it selfish of me for wanting to wait? or is it best that we wait? I don't know. I just know that it's already making me feel pressured.

Ugh, why do I get so wrapped up in the details and not just enjoy these things as they come? I'm ready to just pull a blanket over my head right now and sleep the rest of the month away.

Return to 6th grade

Yesterday, I made a decision to not eat- unless it was Halloween candy. I'm not really sure what part of me thought this was a good idea, but I didn't eat breakfast, had a little bit of soup for lunch, and no dinner. Just 800 calories of chocolate, after I counted up my calories for the day. Kind of sick.

This kind of reminds me when I was in 6th grade and thought I would starve myself, which I was successful at for most of the day, but then I would come home from school and eat about 20 Christmas cookies. I can't explain it. I thought to be skinny that I had to not eat anything, but I don't know why I would come home, ravenous, and turn to cookies. Surely not something that someone with anorexia would do (which is what I was striving to be), but that's precisely my point. I never was anorexic, but I was a binge eater, and once it got bad enough, I thought I needed to come up with clever ways to "get rid of it."

I mentioned in my last post how I've been having disordered eating thoughts, and I even shared this with John last night. I told him I've had thoughts about starving myself and thoroughly shared with him my lack of meals yesterday + candy binge, and his only response was to just not have those thoughts. It's not really that easy for someone who struggled with this hard for 6 years. I haven't really been in danger with disordered eating since I was in my teens, and I thought I suppressed the negative self-talk, but I feel it coming back and I hate it. Why the regression? I don't feel depressed, and I've been anxiety-free for quite a while. Sure, there are small bumps here and there, but mostly I feel ok. I'm just so damn neurotic and obsessive about everything, so I guess with my weight loss journey I've started to pick up those obsessive behaviors. Obsessing about getting thin and fit. I'm happy about having lost as much as I have and am glad I'm progressing again, but I want so badly to be there faster. I'm not sure why I think these behaviors are even a good way to get there.

Long story short, even though I binged yesterday, I didn't "get rid of it." No purge, no excessive exercise, no lax pills. So in my mind, it's still a small victory since the thoughts have been somewhat strong. I just need to keep my head above water. I just feel like it shouldn't be this intense of a fight.