Wake me up when November ends

November. Here's my opinion on it- I'd love to just go to sleep and not wake up until December. November seems to be a difficult month for me every year. Last year, I remember how bad things were between John and I, and my heart aches in pain for that time. I wish we could just erase that so I never have to think about it again. This year, I'm falling back into old thoughts and habits. What is it about November that makes everything so gloomy, so menacing? You'd think it'd be a happy time of year- when most people start decorating for Christmas, traveling to see relatives and celebrating Thanksgiving.

I am trying to find joy in the little things. Little baby Beth was born 1 week ago on 10/31 and of course that is a blessing. I can't wait to hold her and see Nellie and my family around Thanksgiving. It'll be really neat to see Logan with the baby too- he's so sweet and loving and will definitely make a great big brother someday. He's getting more sweet everyday. So smart too! He knows what his colors are for the most part, but he can only really say blue ("boo.") He's starting to say a lot more words and I find so much peace in his cute little voice.

This past weekend, I went to a friend's wedding, which of course was beautiful. She had such a nice day and I was really thrilled to have been able to see all the girls (my roommate Brandi, and my suitemate Gina.) Brandi got engaged recently, so she's next since Gina, Amanda, and I are the old married ladies. She's talking about a summer 2013 wedding in London, so I would be thrilled to be able to go to Europe. I really don't want to miss it, and John and I started talking about going. However, we had intended originally on having a mid-2013 2nd child, so I'm not sure how our plans are going to change. We obviously wouldn't be able to go to Europe if I was extremely pregnant or just recently had a little one, so we started talking about when we might plan for #2. And then it came up. Fall of 2012. But that means I'd have to get pregnant in the next few months.... and I'm pretty sure we all know there's no way I'm ready for that. In theory, it sounds great, because then Logan and baby #2 would be about 2 1/2 years apart (3 years apart in school), but I have not gotten myself to where I need to be yet and I know I still won't be ready in 3 months. So that leaves us with waiting another year to start trying again for a later 2013 baby. It seems so far away! But maybe it's what I need. I do want some time to maintain my health and fitness before having to sacrifice my body all over again. And it'd be great to keep pounding away at our debt too so that we'd be in really good shape before the next one is born. Is it selfish of me for wanting to wait? or is it best that we wait? I don't know. I just know that it's already making me feel pressured.

Ugh, why do I get so wrapped up in the details and not just enjoy these things as they come? I'm ready to just pull a blanket over my head right now and sleep the rest of the month away.