Return to 6th grade

Yesterday, I made a decision to not eat- unless it was Halloween candy. I'm not really sure what part of me thought this was a good idea, but I didn't eat breakfast, had a little bit of soup for lunch, and no dinner. Just 800 calories of chocolate, after I counted up my calories for the day. Kind of sick.

This kind of reminds me when I was in 6th grade and thought I would starve myself, which I was successful at for most of the day, but then I would come home from school and eat about 20 Christmas cookies. I can't explain it. I thought to be skinny that I had to not eat anything, but I don't know why I would come home, ravenous, and turn to cookies. Surely not something that someone with anorexia would do (which is what I was striving to be), but that's precisely my point. I never was anorexic, but I was a binge eater, and once it got bad enough, I thought I needed to come up with clever ways to "get rid of it."

I mentioned in my last post how I've been having disordered eating thoughts, and I even shared this with John last night. I told him I've had thoughts about starving myself and thoroughly shared with him my lack of meals yesterday + candy binge, and his only response was to just not have those thoughts. It's not really that easy for someone who struggled with this hard for 6 years. I haven't really been in danger with disordered eating since I was in my teens, and I thought I suppressed the negative self-talk, but I feel it coming back and I hate it. Why the regression? I don't feel depressed, and I've been anxiety-free for quite a while. Sure, there are small bumps here and there, but mostly I feel ok. I'm just so damn neurotic and obsessive about everything, so I guess with my weight loss journey I've started to pick up those obsessive behaviors. Obsessing about getting thin and fit. I'm happy about having lost as much as I have and am glad I'm progressing again, but I want so badly to be there faster. I'm not sure why I think these behaviors are even a good way to get there.

Long story short, even though I binged yesterday, I didn't "get rid of it." No purge, no excessive exercise, no lax pills. So in my mind, it's still a small victory since the thoughts have been somewhat strong. I just need to keep my head above water. I just feel like it shouldn't be this intense of a fight.