Stuck in a rut

Ok, so it's been 7 weeks since I last updated. I know, too long. I can honestly say that I forgot about blogging. Things have been busy, but good busy for the most part. Shortly after my last post we went on vacation to Myrtle Beach, which was a great time to spend with John and Logan. After that, I started getting more busy with work, so I just haven't gotten around to dealing with all my emotions.

I've been stuck for quite a while. In my last post, I mentioned how I've been plateaued with my weight loss for a while. Well, add another 7 weeks to that, and you have someone who is even more hopeless. I know other people can tell that I've worked hard, but I'm still not seeing much change on the scale. I quit Weight Watchers a few weeks ago, but I'm still going to meetings since my membership doesn't end until November. Even though I'm still counting calories and nutrition and working out hard, I'm still not losing. I had a conversation with my meeting leader about it, and she suggested I meet with my doctor. It's been 3 months since I've lost any weight, and since I'm doing everything right, it's best to just get checked out. Other than that, she said my body has been through a LOT the past couple years, so it's going to take time to adjust. She is right- I have put it through a roller coaster, and I guess I should be patient with it even though I want the change to happen quickly. So since then, I've decided I don't want to quit, so I'm trying to get my membership back. I have such a good support system there, and I just really want to make it to goal and hit lifetime so that I always have somewhere to go if I fall off track again.

I want to be a happy person, but lately I just feel sort of lifeless and flat. I am not taking any meds right now, and I'm starting to wonder if I will relapse. I've had some of those scary thoughts every once in a while, but I feel like I have the tools to suppress them. Lately, I've thought a lot about my fight with bulimia. I've even had thoughts return about going down that road again, but I've been able to ward them off. Last week when I was really sick, I had no appetite except for soup, and I ended up losing 1.8 lbs on the scale Saturday. Is that what it takes for me to lose weight at this point? Starvation? These are the thoughts that have surfaced. Someone with an eating disorder fights it every single day of their lives. Even though I am recovered, it still haunts me, and I'm not sure it will ever stop. I just need to keep myself in check. I don't want to go back to the psychiatrist, but I think I see it in my future. I want to at least start with my family doctor to have a physical and probably get my blood drawn to make sure there's nothing else going on. I had some bad tummy troubles within the last few months, so I'm hoping there's no gastrointestinal issues that's keep the weight on.

Work is giving me a lot more hours, which is good, but it's exhausting. I don't know how full-time working moms do it. I just want to roll over and take a nap every afternoon. I thought before that my meds were making me sleepy, but now that I'm off them, I have no idea what it is. I just feel defeated by the smallest everyday activities. My goal was to get myself healthy so that Logan had the best mom he could have, one with energy and playfulness. I'm slacking, and I don't want him to get the short stick on that respect.

To be continued...