Parties, holidays, and family

I haven't written in quite awhile, and I'll blame that on the party. We just hosted Logan's 1st birthday party on Saturday and I am still exhausted from it. It turned out to be great, but it was a ton of work. I don't think I knew what I was getting myself into by having it at our house. In addition to having family stay at my house who were coming from out of town, I had to clean it top to bottom, set up decorations, and prepare all the food since we did everything ourselves. Add my crazy niece and nephew into themix and an annoying mother in law and you have a very stressed out momma.

The party was a great success though- I got a lot of compliments about how cute the details were and I was pretty happy with how everything turned out. I guess all my hard work paid off and I had a very happy little birthday boy :)

I'll start of by saying I had no idea my mother in law was coming until 4 days before. She came Friday and is staying until this coming Monday. 9 days. 9 whole days for me to get more and more stressed out and unhappy. I don't even know what else to say other than each new visit with her gets more and more painful. I try to be nice, I try to bite my tongue, but how many times can someone just be quiet before they snap? I'm getting very close to snapping, so I find the best way to avoid it is just to hide. But I don't want to hide from my baby and John. It's supposed to be a special time for us with his birthday tomorrow, but I'm having a hard time being able to keep cool and enjoy the time with him when I have someone who annoys the hell out of me in my house. Today I'm at work, which I don't usually do on Tuesdays, but I wanted tomorrow off to be able to spend the day with the birthday boy. And since John is not taking any time off, you can be sure that I will be out of the house with Logan all day, just the two of us, to enjoy our day in peace. I did not sign on for having Elizabeth around while John is not....

I stopped taking my meds. I know it might not have been the best idea with the stressful week I've had, but I've noticed that my mood has been sort of "off" with them lately. I haven't actually taken them in about 5 days after a pill got stuck in my chest and I felt like it was stuck there for 2 days. Sometimes that happens when I take them at night and then lay down to sleep afterwards. I see my psychiatrist on Saturday morning, so we'll see what she says, but I can't keep doing what I'm doing (not taking them) and I can't go back to what I was doing when I was taking them. Last time I saw her she prescribed a provitamin to take with the Prozac so that I would respond better to it, but after I was through with the samples and went to pick up the prescription, they told me it was going to be $89 since my insurance doesn't cover it. $89? No thanks. So I need a different option.

I'll be blunt and say that the medication has partially been responsible for my lack of interest in.... ummm... "sexy time." It makes for a really unhappy husband. John has started to refer to it as the "abstinence pill." It's probably a combination of that and the birth control pill I'm on, but my next gynecologist visit isn't until mid June. So it'll be awhile yet until I can get that changed as well. I want to feel normal again- the past weeks I haven't and I've really felt off track with my weight loss too (mainly because of parties and celebrations going on, but I also haven't felt committed like I was before.) Something needs to change- I just want to hide.

On top of everything, I'm still sick. I was extremely sick 2 weeks ago and it's still lingering, so I probably need to get to the doctor. Logan caught it for awhile, but he seems to be better. He got a pretty nasty stomach bug too after his party, probably from everything he ate, but he seems to have kicked it. Poor buddy.

I can't believe I am here, 1 day before my baby's birthday, extremely unhappy and feeling like an emotional mess. I want tomorrow to be very special for him, so hopefully I can get past the ill feelings I have about Elizabeth's poor visit and just focus on Logan. He deserves a spectacular day, and I'll do my best to give it to him!

So that's what it feels like

Yesterday, I had the joy of celebrating my first Mother's Day. Sure, last year I was celebrating as an expectant mom, but it's a lot different having a little smiling face there beside you. It was a great day. We started it by going to IHOP (gasp... yes, I went to IHOP and was still able to stay on track with my points!) We went mainly because I wanted waffles for breakfast and we realized we didn't have a waffle maker. After breakfast we went to our last spring swim lesson, and then headed home for nap time. After lunch, we went to a self-serve frozen yogurt place that is absolutely delicious. They have a flavor called cake batter and I can't think of anything I'd rather have. Pure heaven. Logan enjoyed it too! After nap #2, we went for a 4-mile run, and it was a beautiful day for it. We were originally only going to run for a half hour, but I was in the mood to keep going, so I just went with it. We had dinner afterwards- sun-dried tomato and goat cheese ravioli with a salad, which I made. I couldn't have asked for a better day :)

The past week has gone well. I did see my psychiatrist on Saturday, and while she said she would have liked to see a better reaction to my medication, she didn't increase it. She did prescribe a provitamin though that will help me respond better to the dosage I am on. So we'll give that a try and see how things go. The positive news is that I don't have to see her again for another month. So she must be confident that I am doing ok- and I am too.

At Weight Watchers I lost another 2.2 lbs for a total of 17.6 lbs in 2 months. I'm extremely happy with that! I'm basically halfway to my goal, since I had said I wanted to lose 35 lbs before Julia's wedding. I think I can do it. It still feels great to be taking charge of my life and getting healthy. I know how important it is to set a good example for Logan. John has told me again and again how proud he is of me. I was convinced that in the beginning, I was pushed into doing this for him- but really, I did it for me. I needed to feel like I had value- that I was worth it. The bonus is that by helping myself, I am helping my family and providing a better life for all of us.

Yesterday, I put Logan to bed, and had a thought. As I shut off the light and closed the door, inching away from his smiling face, I realized that there is nothing in this world more beautiful than his little smile. I would run mile after mile if it meant that I could see his smiling face for one more day. I guess now I know what it feels like- to really feel and love like a mother does. My mom made me a shuterfly book for Mother's Day with pictures of Logan and me from the past year. On one of the pages, she included a poem about how even though mommies are choosing and planning for their babies, their babies are choosing their mommies. By his happiness, hugs, and love, I know he chose me. And I would choose him over and over again. He is the light of my life and makes me so happy to be his mom. Every day.

Freezing May

It's finally May, and I don't know how to feel. I've been taking my increased dosage of meds for almost 2 weeks now, and I still am not seeing much of a difference. Things have been particularly calm lately, so maybe the meds change just hasn't been tested yet. I just don't know. I'm not really looking forward to going back to see my psychiatrist on Saturday. Sure, my first visit with her went smoothly, but I'm ready to wipe my hands clean of the whole mess. I want it to be gone and I want to feel normal and not be controlled by medication. I am scared of what I would be like off of it though.

Logan turned 11 months yesterday. 11 months. Honestly, where does the time go? I miss my little baby so much. While he's getting so much more interactive, I just want him to stay little. He's been taking his first steps the past week- it's a lot of fun to see, but it makes me want to freeze time. Most of my anxiety has come from the fear and anticipation I have of "the next big thing"- the next life-changing event, the next trip, the next move, the next job... I think I've spent so much of my life fretting over the next big thing that I've failed to enjoy the moments while they come. So the fact that I do want to freeze time might just be a good thing because it shows that I am slowing down, that I am focused on "the now" and not what's coming next.