I realize I haven't updated in 4 1/2 months now. I'm not really sure where that time has gone. My last update, I hadn't even found out if we were having a boy or girl, and now I'm 35 1/2 weeks along (with another baby boy, of course :P ) I made it without John for the couple months we were staying with my mom and dad, and I've been doing pretty well. Our move to Georgia went just fine and we are settled here. Even with the days mostly being over 95 degrees, I've felt great. I thank myself for all the work I did to get in shape before getting pregnant again, but my body is definitely turning on me now. It's craving that time, when I was fit and healthy, and would do anything to have it back. This baby needs to come on the earlier side!
Life as a stay at home mom seems to suit me now. I know I really struggled with it right after Logan was born, but having a toddler around to talk to and teach and giggle with is a much better atmosphere than staring at the walls, alone, minus the sound of a ravenous newborn whom you can't ever satisfy. I think it will be a lot different this time, because I will have Logan to keep me company. He's more active than ever, so I'm going to do all that I can to keep his life as normal as possible- which will mean a lot of baby-wearing so that we can do all of our regular activities. I also know Logan will be an awesome big brother and helper. He's already doing a great job helping to clean up toys and throw out trash when needed. I see him getting me diapers, helping to turn on the swing. He's so interested and curious about everything too, so I know he'll want to know everything the baby is doing. He's been giving me lots of belly kisses and hugs, and I know he has more for when baby is actually here. My big boy is so grown up! I'm sure he will struggle a bit- Nellie and baby Beth came for a visit this past weekend, and he was a little territorial with his toys even though he was intrigued by Beth. I think he knew he wasn't the baby while she was here, so he gave us a little preview of what's to come when Emmett is born. Regardless, he's a good boy and I'm sure will adjust.
I've been having a little anxiety over the birth and what we're going to do with Logan and Dexter while I'm in labor. I really worry that something will happen in the middle of the night and that we'll totally have to disrupt Logan's sleep schedule, along with those of some of the friends we've made who have agreed to be our helpers. I don't want to take advantage of new friends, but they're really all we have nearby that we can count on unless for some reason I have to be induced and can plan to have someone be here. I worry how Logan will handle being away from us for the time I'm in labor, which if is anything like the first time, could be a whopping 22 hours. He does great with them though, and I'm grateful he does get attached to people and is such an easy-going kid. It's still hard thinking about being away from him though. With all the new aches and pains I'm experiencing, especially in my back, I'm having flashbacks to the labor experience I had with Logan and am dreading it, even though I'm more than ready to be done with pregnancy. I'm not sure I can have a harder labor than I had with Logan, but it still plagues me daily.
I think after the baby is born, I will want to go back to work, but somehow I don't think I'll be as lucky as I was in Virginia in finding the perfect part-time opportunity. I've interviewed for a couple jobs back in April/May, but was denied both. I know I'm starting to get stale since I haven't worked since March, and the fact that I won't be working until at least January doesn't help. John constantly tells me that I need to stay fresh in my field, but it's hard for me to even find the motivation to do it when I have so much happening right now and feel that I don't really love what I do. I'd really like to make a transition into Account Management for a digital agency, but those opportunities down here where we're living are extremely rare. If anything, I'd maybe be able to find something in Columbia, SC, but it's a 75-minute commute at least, and it would most likely be full-time. I'm not sure I could handle being away from my boys that much! So there it is. Do I just make the decision to be a stay at home mom forever? Or do I try to find something else I would enjoy? When I think about the things I might like to do, they just seem unattainable, expensive, inconvenient, and a myriad of other negatives... am I being too negative? John thinks I should just continue with user experience, but finding a job working from home doing that is very unlikely too since most companies need someone on site, and there's just nothing in that field around here. I guess he thinks I'm just coming up with excuses not to study up on new technologies and whatnot, but I feel like I'm being realistic. It's a constant argument.
Other than that, John and I are doing well. We are getting used to our new life here. I feel comfortable expressing my concerns and fears about the new baby to him and we talk through them and he always makes me feel better. I'm sort of mourning the loss of the time that I have alone with Logan right now, realizing that it will only be the two of us for so much longer. It makes me a little sad. I hear from other moms that seeing the relationship develop between your kids is a really amazing and powerful thing, and I'm looking forward to that part, especially since it will be 2 boys, brothers. But part of me knows that my relationship with Logan is going to change drastically in a month. It's a hard concept to swallow. He's my buddy, and he'll always be my baby. I get nervous thinking that John won't want to spend much time with a newborn also, since Logan is so much more fun to be around and play with. I know John isn't crazy about babies- he'd much rather they come out walking and talking and somewhat self-sufficient. But it's not the way it works... so I told him about the fear I have of him spending all his time outside work with Logan, but he's assured me we'll find a good balance so that I get time with just Logan also.
So that's "what's up." I'm sure the next time I write, I'll be drowning myself in complaints about how uncomfortable I am, waiting for this baby to make his entrance. I will try to do better about checking in for sure!
