I'll never be a size 6

As I sit here, munching on my fun size Kit Kat bar, I am realizing that I will never be a size 6. It's not in the cards for me, and I'm ok with that. What I can do is be the healthiest I can be, and for me to do that, I need to splurge here and there. Maybe not as much as I have been, but enough to keep me satisfied without sabotaging my goals.

Since the end of May, I've only lost 1 lb. 1 silly little lb. I have no explanation and I'm not going to make up excuses, but I need to get back my focus again. I've been at this for almost 5 months and it's hard staying in the mindset. I just want to be at my goal, and I come down on myself hard for not hitting it by now. I feel like a sitting duck.

I'm not going to lie, but lately I've had some of those bad thoughts come back. I really have no desire to return to that dark place, but I feel like depression is starting to rear it's ugly head. I have had thoughts of bingeing and purging, which I haven't felt in a long time. I don't see my psychiatrist until the first weekend in August, but I think I'm stable enough to make it until then. I just don't understand why my head plays these games on me.

Maybe it's because my tiny little baby is now a walking toddler. Maybe it's because I found out John and I will have to move again because of the transfer he was approved for. Even though I have excitement about these things, I can't help but feel sad, and a longing for things to stay as they are. It seems so paradoxical to me that I can feel both ways at once.

It's Our God-Forsaken Right

This morning on my drive in to work, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz came on the radio. I've heard this song a million times, but I'm not sure I've really heard the words until today. I've been thinking a lot lately about the bickering that John and I do and wonder why we have been putting so much energy into mindless arguing. The lyrics in the song sent shivers down my spine- "there's no need to complicate... our time is short" struck a nerve because we are ALWAYS complicating things. We don't have forever with each other. When our time together does end one day, I want to have spent a life together learning and growing from each other through love. I want us to make a change since I feel like we're not doing our best at that.

I started thinking about it more last night when I made a lasagna for dinner and John started off on how it's not "diet food" and questioned why I even made it. It kind of hurt- I spent a lot of time preparing a nice meal, and it's not like I make the dish often, so I don't really understand why he immediately started attacking my choice to make it. I asked him why he did that- why he immediately had to turn to the negative. I think he got it, because he did try to change the conversation by saying that it was very good. It's things like this though that happen regularly that I think we need to make a better effort in avoiding. We pick at each other so much that we pick the person we love into pieces. And you know what? It's out god-forsaken right to be loved, not torn down! Both of us are to blame, and both of us need to work harder at building a happier relationship. And for everything it's worth- I know we can.

I had a really good visit with my friends this weekend. It was fun to "escape" a little and catch up with them. I don't see my old friends nearly enough, but it's nice to see that even though we've all been through change, that things are still pretty much the same. I hope they stay that way.

Since I left John and Logan alone much of the weekend, I really want to spend a lot of time together this coming weekend. We already talked about going blueberry picking, and I'm really excited for that. Hopefully the weather is good for it! Logan absolutely loves blueberries, just like John, so it will be fun to take him. He's been walking more and more everyday, so interested in experiencing the world. It's a beautiful thing to be a part of. I look at him and know that he needs loving parents, and while I think John and I do a great job, showing more love to each other will help Logan to feel more love. After all, it is his God-forsaken right too.

GUAG

In high school jazz band, there was a song we love to play that we nicknamed GUAG- or "Get Up and Go." This is pretty much the song that describes my life right now. I feel like I'm always moving and barely have time to stop and breathe. While I will say it's a good thing, I feel like time is just escaping from me, which makes me a little sad. I said back in May that I wanted to freeze time, and the feeling is no different. Except that it's JULY. Excuse me, but... what?! July already? And mid-July, at that.

I'll start off with saying that I made it through the 8K. And I loved it and am definitely craving another run. We signed up for the 10K the day of and I'm pumped. It felt so good to finish without stopping. I will never be a winner or one of the top contenders in a race, but the way it makes me feel is fantastic. After the 10K, we'll try to do a 10-mile race in the fall, and then our goal for the spring is a half marathon. It makes me pretty excited.

Weight Watchers is still difficult these days. I've been up and down and up and down too many times that I'm still just not losing much at all. I think these last 16 lbs are going to be rough!

John and I have been talking lately and I think we may completely nix our trip for the fall. We're really trying to focus on saving for a house and car and the other things we really need. We probably will be going to Texas for Christmas this year, so it's wiser to save the money and not be going on 2 trips. I'm disappointed, but we can't have it all. A house is really important since we have been dumping so much money into rent, and once we know where we will be more permanently (within the next year), I'd really like to be able to move into a house of our own. It stinks being a grown-up, but it's the most responsible thing even though I would die to go to Greece! Building a home together as a family is just a higher priority than vacations.

Logan's been on the verge of walking- I actually bought him some actual sneakers yesterday at Stride Rite since he's been taking more and more steps. He seemed comfy in them, but it will take some getting used to since they are bigger than the other shoes he's worn. He's getting so big, but is so much fun.

I've been extremely sleepy the past few weeks and I think it's because of my medicine. I stopped taking it for a few days since I ran out and just forget to go pick up the prescription, and I noticed I had a higher energy level, but I did start taking them again this morning. Side effects that come with medication are a huge pain. I wish they didn't affect me like that, but I guess it means it's working. Napping every afternoon is not something I really want to do though, but it tends to happen whether I welcome it or not.

I have some college friends coming to visit this weekend, so I'm really excited about that. I haven't seen them since my one friend's wedding last September, so it will be fun to have a girls weekend. John will hang out with Logan all weekend so that I can take them around town and get some sun at the bay beaches. We had our niece and nephew come visit last week from Texas, along with John's sister, so we've had a lot of company in our house lately. All welcome though! I've been good about staying calm about my house not being clean top to bottom and just letting things go, so I feel like that's positive.

I'm starting to miss my family- it's been about a month since I last saw them, and I still won't see them until the end of July. Gas is expensive these days and making the trips with a pre-toddler isn't easy, so the trips have been limited. But the visit for Nellie's baby shower is very much anticipated. I can't wait to see everyone and the shower will be so much fun!

If you haven't guessed, I'm starting to feel more like myself again. I've been in a good mood and it makes me happy that I can enjoy things as they come.