I'll never be a size 6

As I sit here, munching on my fun size Kit Kat bar, I am realizing that I will never be a size 6. It's not in the cards for me, and I'm ok with that. What I can do is be the healthiest I can be, and for me to do that, I need to splurge here and there. Maybe not as much as I have been, but enough to keep me satisfied without sabotaging my goals.

Since the end of May, I've only lost 1 lb. 1 silly little lb. I have no explanation and I'm not going to make up excuses, but I need to get back my focus again. I've been at this for almost 5 months and it's hard staying in the mindset. I just want to be at my goal, and I come down on myself hard for not hitting it by now. I feel like a sitting duck.

I'm not going to lie, but lately I've had some of those bad thoughts come back. I really have no desire to return to that dark place, but I feel like depression is starting to rear it's ugly head. I have had thoughts of bingeing and purging, which I haven't felt in a long time. I don't see my psychiatrist until the first weekend in August, but I think I'm stable enough to make it until then. I just don't understand why my head plays these games on me.

Maybe it's because my tiny little baby is now a walking toddler. Maybe it's because I found out John and I will have to move again because of the transfer he was approved for. Even though I have excitement about these things, I can't help but feel sad, and a longing for things to stay as they are. It seems so paradoxical to me that I can feel both ways at once.