Where do I go from here?

A few days ago, I got answers, and not good ones. I'm just trying to deal with it right now, but I have so many questions still. I had a few procedures done the middle of December, and my fear became a reality. I was diagnosed with Celiacs Disease. Not only was I diagnosed with something so life-altering, but I also was told that I have gastritis, polyps with benign tissue, and inflammation in my esophagus. In other words, my body is in distress.

I know Celiacs Disease isn't related, but I wonder about the other stuff. Did I do it to myself? With years of making myself so sick? I don't meet with my doctor for another week for a follow-up, so I have some time before I really get to discuss everything in depth with him, but my head is spinning.

Even though having CD is horribly inconvenient, and even more challenging to do being a vegetarian, I know it will probably make me a healthier person eating a gluten-free diet. I'm sort of thinking it as a new obsession- to make sure everything is gluten free by checking labels, constantly looking up reference information online about it, and making sure I stock my cabinets with gluten free options for me. I feel like if I begin to obsess about that rather than weight loss, I'll find a way to let go of my other unhealthy obsessions and focus my energy on making positive changes. If I do that, I think the other stuff will fall into place.

I had made a neurologist appointment for mid January, but I've been headache-less for 3 weeks! I'm really happy about that, and I think it's because I have mostly been gluten free for the past 2 weeks. It makes me feel like I really am getting better, and that changing my diet will be so beneficial to my health. Anything I read online or hear from a health professional will tell me the same, but it's different when you can actually see the benefits working. So since I'm getting my CD under control, I don't think it's necessary to go to the neurologist right now.

Therapy... where to begin. The place I called still hasn't called me back. So I guess I really need to contact them. I've been through a lot and I really need to find a healthy place to work through everything with someone who can help. Even some of the issues John and I have had we both have decided we are ready to talk about together in therapy, which I happy about. I'm glad he's willing to go and work on those things with me so we can have a healthier relationship. Not that it's incredibly unhealthy, but I know we're both not terribly happy, and it will be so much better for us to get to that happy place.

Somewhere between the holidays and all the traveling, I got sick again. Logan has had an awful cough and I think I started feeling crappy after he did. I was hoping I could dodge this one, but I guess it will take some more time before my overall health improves and I can build up my immune system again.

Christmas this year was a little.... off. Spending it in Austin wasn't my preference, but I went along with it because John had spent the last several years with my family for Christmas, so it was time. It was nice seeing everyone, but it didn't end well, and we packed our bags and changed our flights to leave a couple days early. I will say that the trip did help John and I get through a tough time, and maybe even brought us a little closer to each other. Some things just make you realize what's important and talking about some of the things that went wrong made us value the things we have. We both just wanted more than anything to be home, to be in a comfortable place, and to just go back to our lives. We're talking about having John's family visit for Thanksgiving next year though, which will be a lot easier on everyone I think. We'll see.

It is nice being home. Even after getting back from Austin, we stayed at my parents' house for another day and a half, but I was ready to come back and just erase away all the bad things I experience this month, and even this year. With the new year upon us, I'm ready to say goodbye and welcome in the future. I'm seeing a healthier, happier me, and I like it. I just want to know where to go to make sure I don't fall down again.

I need a silent night

I need a silent night, a holy night

To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise

I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here

To end this crazy day with a silent night

I heard this song the other day, the Amy Grant song, and it brought the tears rolling down. I can't explain how much I long for exactly this. I'm trying to draw some strength from faith, faith that I can find some withstanding inner peace. It's a struggle...

I feel like I have had this little person in my head screaming out for quite a long time. November has come and gone, so why hasn't it stopped? I know the answer. It's because it's not really the month of November that is the problem. Changing months won't magically stop the noise in my head. I have to find my own ways to bring myself peace.

I did call a bunch of therapists since my last post. I found it pretty interesting that none of the female providers in a 10 mile radius that accept my insurance are taking new patients. Excuse me, but... what??? Is all of Fairfax taking crazy pills? That doesn't give me much hope. However, I did call a practice in Manassas that might be able to take me. A bit of a drive, but worth it to get the help I need if I find someone I like.

I'm really sick of seeing doctors. I'm not really looking forward to adding another to the list, but I have to take care of myself. I saw my gastroenterologist on Monday, so there's another check in the box. I actually liked him a lot- he was really interested in my condition and wants to do a couple of procedures next week. Unfortunately, I will have to fast for almost 48 hours before going into the hospital for the procedures. It's not going to be pleasant, but hopefully they can figure out what the problem is with my tummy issues. The fasting part makes me nervous. I know I'm going to like seeing the number on the scale after that. That worries me a little. I shouldn't be happy seeing low numbers after having to starve for almost 2 days, but I guess that's the "sick" side of my eating disorder mind talking. In the mind of someone with disordered eating behaviors, it doesn't matter how those numbers come up. It just matters that they do.

I can find some joy in little things. John and I ran our first 15K last weekend. It was hard, but we made it at least. If you asked me a year ago if I thought I would ever be able to do that, you would have heard me laugh. I never thought I would be a "runner", but here I am, running these long races and feeling good about my fitness strides.

It's also really fun to see Logan developing so rapidly. He knows all of his colors, a few letters (S, M, and Y), and tons of animals. When we ask him where his body parts are, he points to them. When we ask him to do something, he does it. It happened so fast- seems like overnight. But he can actually understand us. Some of his responses to things are really silly, and seeing his silly face is sometimes the only thing in the world that I want to look at.

I've been trying to make more strides in my professional life too. John has been very open in telling me that I need to do more to develop myself in my career. Since I only work 15 hours a week and am getting older, I'm not as fresh as others in the field who work full weeks and do extra training on top of that. His main point is that to be competitive, I need to start researching new technologies and making sure I allow myself professional development time. I've been resistant to it, because I just don't see an urgency and I don't love what I do. I'm not entertained, I'm not challenged, so I'm taking John's advice and trying to find something I do like and challenge myself with it. I decided I needed a creative outlet, and that writing children's books would be the perfect thing for me. I ordered a book on writing them and have really enjoyed what I've read so far. It's so interesting, and it's actually very closely connected with user experience. Eventually, it would be really cool to write interactive e-books for kids. I could really use my background for that, too. I mean, children's e-books have to be user-friendly too, right? I'm pretty excited about this new venture, but I'm still having trouble finding the time to devote to it. In my down time, I usually like to just watch a couple of the shows that are on that I watch regularly or exercise, so I need to find a good balance between vegging out and being productive.

Finding a good balance, eh? Story of my life. Balancing the noise with the peace. Balancing work life with home life. Balancing my eating disordered brain with wanting to be healthy. It's all just a balancing act.

Speaking of balance, I went to bikram yoga last night for the first time in over a month. Since I've been so sick, I haven't been able to go. I also put it off because it's extremely hard. Last night, it felt really great though. I feel so rejuvenized, and like maybe I did get a bit of a silent night. I just really need the feeling to last and to keep carrying me through those noisy times.

Hopefully, I can get it to do just that.