I'll start by saying this- I still haven't had another episode from before. I find some satisfaction in that. However, I feel myself being pulled incessantly to the dark side. I was watching a show called Anderson (yes, the one that replaced Oprah) today and they were talking about eating disorders. Now it's been years since I've really read anything or watched any eating disorder specials, but watching it now makes me realize how much of a part of my life my eating disorder still is. And it makes me so angry. I feel like I've moved on, but when I really think about it, it's been there all along. The effort I've put into losing all the weight that I have-weighing myself multiple times a day, exercising like a mad woman, obsessing about the scale, constantly thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth and how many pounds it'll make me gain... it's not normal behavior, and it makes me feel like a child again.
Here's a backstory about the past week that will give some perspective:
Thanksgiving was great to spend with my family- I was very rigid counting the calories of my meal, as I intended to be, and played it safe all weekend, even with eating out. When I got weighed Saturday, I gained 1.8 lbs. I panicked. How could I have gained 1.8 lbs when I was still on track??? Why I was I being punished so badly for indulging slightly with a bite of apple crisp and ice cream? And then more headaches hit me. Later that night (Saturday), I developed a fever and awful cold symptoms. I was sick as a dog and in so much pain from the headaches that John and I considered going in to the ER since my meds weren't working. I held out until Monday, and went to my family doctor. She prescribed me with an antibiotic to treat Sinusitus and referred me to a neurologist to get checked. I also talked to her about the tummy issues I've had for awhile- she listened to all my symptoms and agreed to draw blood and test for Celiacs Disease (Sinusitus, which I have been suffering from for months, is linked to Celiacs and I've had a lot of symptoms of the gluten allergy.) She also referred me to a gastroenterologist to get checked for it. Today I got a call from my doctor's office telling me my bloodwork was normal and that it doesn't indicate I have the disease, so the only thing we can do is continue on with the gastroenterologist. Anyway, through all of this headache/fever/sinus/gastro issues, I've been extremely naseous and have barely been eating. I've already lost 4 lbs and am somewhat celebrating this. If my nausea disappears for awhile and then comes back, I secretly enjoy it because I know I won't want to eat. I know this isn't normal, but I need to be honest about what's going through my head.
Where do I go from here? I'm sure I need therapy, but the fact that we're moving in a few months, and then spending 2 months with my parents, and then going to Georgia isn't the best model for therapy if you're having to change therapists every couple months. It's a bad time for me to realize I'm batshit crazy. I probably should still just see someone now even though we are moving. I'm optimistic that I could make big strides by the time we move if I found someone good. I guess I have another call to make. I don't want to be tugged anymore.
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