And then it happened

I thought I had control of this... but I don't. Last night I did something that I haven't done in over 6 years. I binged... and then purged. I'm devastated. And that's really all I can say. Devastated that my willpower flew away from me. Devastated that I wanted to hurt myself and make myself suffer the consequence. Devastated that I'm back there to that place I swore off so many years ago.

Or am I? Does 1 time really set the cycle back in motion? I don't know, and I'm not ready to find out. I'm scared for myself, for my family. How can I make them suffer this again? How can I make myself suffer this again? These questions are filling my head and I don't have the answers to them. I just... am exhausted. Exhausted from fighting this so hard, for so long. Why won't it end?

Years ago, when I pictured my life, I pictured everything that I have. I have everything I've ever wanted and I'm not willing to lose any of it. So why can't I let go of whatever this monster is that's lingering?

I just can't do this again.