What if?

I know it's been a few days- wish I could have popped on here to write a bit. Friday I had spent my evening with John. He had a lot of questions for me that I couldn't really answer either. He asked me what my worst thought has been, and I honestly was afraid to even say it out loud. I can't. Saying it out loud would just make me feel more crazy. I told him some of the little things I think on a daily basis, the things that pop into my head whenever I do anything. Like if I am carrying Logan up the stairs, I constantly think that I need to be careful, otherwise I could fall backwards and something awful could happen. Little thoughts like that are what make me think I am going out of my mind. I constantly think about the "what ifs." Sometimes I even have pretty morbid what-ifs run through my mind- and I'm extremely terrified of those ones.

We spent the weekend with friends and family in PA, which was good I guess. I usually like seeing them as much as I can. John always is a huge help when we go to my parents' house too. He changes diapers and feeds Logan most of the time so that I can spend the time I need with my parents or whoever is visiting. Saturday evening my sister came over to have dinner with my parents and us with the kids. I can't help but be hurt and angry by some things that she said about Logan having a bottle. She infuriates me when she gets up on her high horse about Logan having formula. She said something about her kids never having a drop of it and telling my nephew that formula is yucky. My dad heard her, and he even said to her that it was enough and we didn't need to hear anymore. I wanted to tell her to shove the bottle up her ass. But really, it just gave me more fuel for my fire on how I think other people are judging me and waiting for me to fail.

The past couple days have actually been "good" days. I feel like the baby has been extremely cooperative and his smiles help me through everyday. Today was the day for my doctor visit. I explained what I have been feeling and she was very good at just listening and asking minimal questions. I realized today just how much I like my family doctor. She diagnosed me with anxiety- not so much depression- that has been brought on by the different stressers in my life. She asked me about my thoughts on treatment, and also gave me her recommendations. She thought it would be best for me to first see a psychiatrist and find a plan with them along with reaching out to some of the other moms I know in the area, if I was comfortable discussing with them some of the issues I have. She did also write me a prescription in the meantime for Prozac, which I was on 8 years ago if I need it. She said the biggest concern with jumping into medication is that people start on it with no plan to stop it and then struggle returning to life without medication. Her plan would be that I be on medication no longer than 6 months. My prescription is actually only for 30 days, so I would need to see the psychiatrist so that he/she could monitor me. I've given it some thought, along with talking with John about it, and I think I will start the prescription to give me the jump start I need. I'm more afraid of falling deeper into my fears and having a hard time pulling myself out of it, whereas if I have that jump start, I can more easily sort through my issues and get the therapy I need.

What if I can kick this? What if I can go through one day not fearing the unknown? What if I can live my life feeling secure, loved, and content? What if...