Lately, I've been finding myself get into this anticipation of putting the baby down for naps and for bed. I've actually started counting down. 3 hours... 2 hours... 1 hour... 1/2 hour... I started thinking about why, and came to realize that the reason why is that his crib is a safe place. It's where I know he is fully taken care of, whereas during the day, I feel like he never fully is because I can't give him everything he needs. He's been really cranky lately, probably because of his teeth coming through, but it's been wearing on me. I feel like anything I do isn't enough. I think I'll always struggle with the thought that I'm not giving him everything, but I know I'm going to have to learn that what I give him is good. I just want to be a good mommy. John never really tells me that I am. He's only said it maybe twice, but I feel like I need his approval. I need to feel like he approves of me as a mother since I know how important a family is to him.
We have had arguments a lot lately and it comes back to a very big argument we had back in November about me being "lazy." It hurts when he comes down on me so hard, but he is very critical. I think he's a lot more critical than he used to be, and I attribute that to working on the sub. I think it really changed him in that respect and I feel like he's not as warm as he used to be. I love him a lot and, while I know people change, I wish he would just not be so rigid. I just feel worthless sometimes, and I know that's not how people are supposed to feel in a loving marriage. I think we have some work to do.
We had my parents visit last weekend for my birthday, which was nice. My parents always like to make me feel special. My husband refused to even wish me a happy birthday on my actual birthday since he said we already celebrated the day before. Ok... well, thanks. That makes me feel great. He was gone from Monday-Friday at a conference in Florida, so I was alone most of the week. My mom came back on Thursday despite the terrible weather. She stayed until yesterday, so I was glad to have her at the end since it's hard being alone that long. It's times like those that I really wish my mom was closer and I could see my parents more often even though I am grateful that they are at least in driving distance.
I haven't been to work since Monday and am ready to get back tomorrow. We had some pretty awful snow Wednesday that kept me home. Even though I had my mom around for couple days and John helping this weekend while I worked at home, I can't be home with the baby anymore. It's such a hard feeling to explain. He is my world and my complete joy, but also my biggest fear. I just fear messing things up for him so much.
My prescription is running out, and I need to call to set up appointments with new doctors to continue treatment. I just don't want to think about it, but I know it's important. I feel like I'm not ready for it and want to keep fighting it on my own. I have to remind myself why I decided I needed help from the beginning. It's time to change this.
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