Throwdown

In the urban dictionary, "throwdown" means " to attack, to fight." Boy, was I attacked. Not in the best of ways, but in a way that has me seeing a little more clearly. I'm not really sure what brought it on, but I guess it sort of started with a conversation John and I were having about my mother in law. It just spun itself into this mess of harshness towards me. I know John and I have not been happy, but it hurt to hear him tell me how he's been losing respect for me. His claim is that I do not educate myself on things that matter, but then always complain when he does educate himself on those things and then makes certain decisions. Mainly I'm talking about money matters, and I'll be the first to admit I don't know much about money. I admit I've brought up concerns about money that are somewhat unfounded, but he thinks I'm extremely negative. I don't really see myself that way. But when my husband does constantly hear "I can't" and "I won't" or "I'm not comfortable", I know there's something I need to change. He needs reasons for my anxiety. He even suggested for me to write down all of my concerns for anything that gives me anxiety, and we can go through each of them together and he can show me all the information he has on why I don't need to be concerned. I think this is his plea for letting me in to help me solve my problems.

He told me that my inability to solve my own problems is what bothers him- that I'm always waiting for someone else to solve them for me or to take a pill to solve them. His point is that it's either laziness on my part to not do the work myself, or that I'm just an idiot, which he knows I'm not. So then he's left to go with lazy. I don't want him to see me as lazy. Because I work hard. I go to work, I deal with the baby all the time, and keep a clean house. I'm exhausted, and I don't get much help at home, only with the baby. I'm the one doing the dishes all the time, I'm the one taking out the trash, I'm the one doing the laundry, I'm the one vaccuuming/dusting/scrubbing/organizing/putting crap away. I get NO help with any of that, and even when I make the smallest requests, nothing gets done and I end up doing it myself.

I'm not saying this is an excuse for not solving my problems, but I'm definitely not lazy. However, I see his point- if I want to make educated decisions regarding some of the things that give me anxiety, I have to do the research or let him make the decisions. I acknowledge his claims. I know I need help and need to stop thinking the worst, but that's just how my mind has worked for so long. I immediately start to panic when there's a slight risk or problem with anything. Is that what negativity is? I don't mean to be a downer all the time, but I guess I get so freaked out that I lose sight of what I need to do to calm myself and my fears.

I just want to move on from this, but I'm not sure he can. I feel like I'm responsible for damaging our relationship and I'm starting to hate myself for that. I need him and our happiness back, and I know what I need to do.

The phone is inches away, and it's time to make the appointment. I'm terrified but I need to make this better now.