Rain will make the flowers grow

It's Easter today. I had a really good weekend spending time with family back home in PA with John and Logan. I love being so close to be able to do that. It's hard to describe it, but going home is rejuvenating for me. It's corny, but there really is no place like home, and I'm not really sure I'll ever consider another place my home. Even though I'm building a life of my own with my husband and son, I still consider the place where my parents, sister, grandparents, aunts and uncles are as home. I guess there's still a part of me that was so afraid and sad to leave there, and I'm still holding onto it. I've come to realize that starting over time and again in a new place, while I've welcomed it in the past, is actually a really scary thing. But I digress... I just need to focus on the things that make me happy at this point, and my whole family, together on holidays, is something that jumps to the top of the list.

I wanted to post before I had my evaluation with the psychiatrist this past week, but I just didn't get around to it. I freaked out pretty hard. It's something I had put off for so long that I had to pull every ounce of will inside of me to get myself to the appointment. I didn't really know what to expect, even though I have seen psychiatrists before when I was treated for Bulimia in high school. I just had a fear of facing that all again- of reverting back to a "weak" and "unwell" person. The only way to get myself through it was to remember that a little bit of pain, in the end, is worth the outcome. Hence my post title, "Rain will make the flowers grow."

Anyway, the appointment went well. She really went through EVERYTHING and was a lot more thorough than anyone I've seen in the past. She asked me a lot- but most of all, she listened. I liked her a lot, and I felt comfortable talking with her, which is really important in my eyes. I felt ok with being honest about each question and felt the need to be just as thorough with her. By the end of the evaluation, she did decide to up my meds. She explained that the dose I am on is pretty much the lowest there is, and that after the first initial months of taking it, it tends to act more like a placebo than doing the job it needs to do. So she doubled it, and I have to see her again 2 1/2 weeks later to see if it's working. So far, it's been 4 days and I can't see much of a difference. It sort of makes me cringe to think I may need more.

Things at home are still improving, but in the car, where John and I tend to start getting really honest with each other, we had some pretty big arguments (on the way to my parents' for the weekend.) Most of the time when this happens, I'm driving, which I think may not be the best plan for us, even though I can't stand John's driving. Horrible, unimagineable things come into my mind sometimes when we're fighting in the car, like "I might as well just drive right off the road" or "I should just pull over and get out of the car and walk into oncoming traffic." Would I ever act on these feelings? No. But the frequency with which I think about these things when I get worked up scares me. Constantly, I'm thinking about "what happens if I snap?" These are the sort of things that make me think I'm going crazy. These of course are REALLY bad days and are triggered by an array of problems, but I really have to be honest with myself about how I feel on the bad days. After all, I'm not seeking help for GOOD days, right?

But let's talk about the good days, shall we? I had a couple of them since I last wrote, and by good, I mean great. Like nothing in the world can be wrong and I feel so fabulous that I feel like bursting into song. I know it's weird that I can go from so low to so high, but again, my emotions are highly triggered by my environment. One day when I was taking Dexter and Logan for a walk, on a particularly beautiful day, I had a few thoughts. It was breezy and clear, with a couple clouds, and I was thinking about how weather is a lot like my situation. I came to the realization that skies change. We can't expect that everyday we'll have sun. Sometimes a cloud or two will roll in, but it's our job as optimistic people to look at the clouds overhead and reach for the rays of light between. That's all I can do at this point. I mentioned in my last post about how I have to focus on the positives. And that's exactly what reaching for the rays of light is about. I'm always going to have a rainy day here and there, but I have to keep my eye on "the good" to supress the crazy talk that happens in my head. I can only have faith that a combination of that, and the meds, will get me to where I need to be.